When we have independence, can we buy a really big “good weather machine”? – @petercraig15357

Our weather isn’t bad. Scotland is just crying because it’s being taken out of the EU against its will. It’s probably only windy because Mother Nature is trying to blow the Unionists away.

Of course, the matter of our dodgy climate can obviously be solved with independence, and once we are independent, I see no reason why the weather couldn’t be decided by a referendum as well.

After all, we will likely possess the technology to edit meteorological conditions on our smartphones soon. If all else fails, I’ll simply do the weather forecast, so the weather will know what it’s supposed to do.

Given this new-found control of the elements, I imagine it’ll always be “taps aff” weather in an independent Scotland.

To be honest, we might have to install streetlights that dispense ice cream cones. That said, even our bad weather will be better.

For example, post-independence, rain will cure baldness, hailstones will be replaced with marshmallows, fog will taste like strawberries and snow will be swapped for teacakes.

I foresee wind that will naturally avoid bridges, cyclists and heavy goods vehicles. It will also blow your hair into fashionable styles, and remove split ends.

Personally, I think there’s great injustice in the fact that snow melts and Tories don’t, so that might change as well.

Interestingly, I’ve noticed that Unionists tend to get upset at bad weather, whereas independence crusaders just drink harder. It seems to me that the UK is defeated by wind, while Scotland harnesses it. Our blustery nation is now producing more power through green energy than through nuclear, so I think it would be wrong to get upset at the climate that feeds our glorious wind warms.

If we keep building them, they’ll be able to power a fleet of starships one day!

In my view, we should expand our renewable energy initiative to include replacing every hole on Trump’s golf course with a wind turbine.

You can never have enough wind farms. They’re like the chocolate cake of energy production.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am trying to be the perfect dinner party host. Please can you tell me what wine to serve with Jaffa Cakes? – @stufalconer

Food and drink pairings are a huge part of Scottish social life. A good pairing, such as steak and a nice Syrah, will show you to be considerate and classy, while a bad pairing, such as chicken curry and gin, will tell friends that you are foolish, unreliable and undesirable at parties.

In this instance, you must think carefully about your foodstuff. Jaffa Cakes are spongy treats with a strong tang of orange – ideal for a post-pub munch or even as a replacement for one of your five a day I’d even go as far as to say that Jaffa Cakes are the ultimate foodstuff – no doubt invented by a Scotsman. For some time, I have been urging Barr to create a wine from the same magnificent ingredients used to make Irn Bru.

While this has not happened yet, I am confident my suggestions will not go unheard.

However, until such a time that this majestic concoction comes to fruition, I’d suggest a double dose of your national drink: whisky and Irn Bru. Guests will be charmed by your love for all things ginger and potent.

Just make sure you purchase a significant volume of Jaffa Cakes, as whisky can lead to increased hunger and an elevated sense of national pride.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Should we do what the Brexiters did and put out as little information as possible to get a win or independence? – @Sgt_catface

I think the key difference is that the SNP might put out little information, but Brexiters put out misinformation.

My gut feeling is Nicola Sturgeon will play this one close to the chest, and unlike the first indyref, I can’t see her getting bogged down in wild speculation about the oil industry and a currency union. I expect facts to be deployed, not assumptions. Contrast this with Brexit where all we had were lies and presumptions.

As it stands, none of the players involved in the second indyref has outlined their plan. Ruth Davidson is advocating a hard Brexit with zero information, Kezia Dugdale is suddenly backing federalisation with no explanation as to how it would be implemented, and Nicola Sturgeon has yet to outline exactly what the refreshed independence campaign will feature.

Ruth Davidson might consider it “astonishing” that we don’t have answers about currency after two weeks, but it’s been nine months since the EU referendum, and we still don’t know what Brexit means!

If we just say “independence means independence” for a while, the Tories can’t complain.