DEAR Ma’am,

I refer you to our previous vexed correspondence on the subject of an impending royal wedding between your grandson, HRH Prince Harry and Ms Meghan Markle. During this frank exchange we might have conveyed the impression that we had some misgivings about the match. We would like to apologise if the tone of our epistles seemed to lack due deference to your royal personage.

Yet we felt we had to speak frankly about certain uncomfortable matters arising from the potential of a wedding between these two. The presence of a significant quantum of Catholicism within the Markle bloodline cannot be overstated. We reminded you of the Act of Settlement which expressly forbids the rattling of beads anywhere in the royal households lest the crown suddenly be cast under the fell influence of the Vatican. And wasn’t the BBC drama series Gunpowder a timely reminder of the dangers of Catholicism to the British state?

Oh sure, Your Majesty, we acknowledge that we get those of the Timaloy persuasion threatening to become royal spouses to sign all sorts of documentation rejecting this sinister and brain-washing cult. And yes we know that we force them to agree to raise any issue from their union as good members of the Anglican Church. Miss Markle, though, is reported to be a feminist and even went as far as to make a speech in which she mocked the idea of a woman’s place being in the kitchen. She has her own mind is what we’re saying and has previously exhibited signs of truculence. We certainly wouldn’t put it past this headstrong young woman to renege on any pre-marital, anti-Romanism pledges and indeed bring up their children in the old faith.

Miss Markle is also reported to be an enthusiastic supporter of the rights of homosexualists. We do not personally have any issue with equal rights for the homosexualists, but this needs to be done discreetly these days. We need hardly remind your majesty that we are currently in bed with the Democratic Unionist Party. This party’s stance on the issue of this sort of thing is well known as is their, ahem … robust attitude to the prospect of Buckingham Castle ringing to the strains of The Fields of Athenry.

We note too that Miss Markle is a divorcee. This obviously presents problems regarding her union with Harry who, if he were to become King, would be the head of the Church of England which does not recognise a matrimonial arrangement involving a divorcee. We note that Miss Markle is very obviously an American from a lively lineage. As Your Majesty must understand we are currently at a very delicate stage in our Brexit negotiations and must remain true to the people who voted for this.

However …

In the weeks that have elapsed since we last expressed our opinion on this matter, certain developments have forced us to view the prospect of this union as a propitious one and we now regret having spoken so frankly about it. We are especially sorry that you felt we were holding a gun to your Britannic Majesty’s head over the money the Government is prepared to grant you for refurbishing your house. In fact, as a token of our future goodwill and regret for our previous sentiments we will even add on an extra consideration. We know that Your Majesty has her eye on that wee Gainsborough that’s coming up for auction next month and we agree that it would look good on the wall of your main en-suite privy.

On mature reflection, too, we feel sure that the fact of Miss Markle’s Catholicism will present no problems either. The Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church Pope Francis has become a really good friend to Your Majesty’s Government. He has even agreed to do a bit of low-level diplomacy for us on his visit to Myanmar by trying to get Aung San Suu Kyi to start behaving herself. Plus Francis could also come in handy when it gets to the tickly stage of Brexit negotiations, especially with the Mediterranean countries, if Her Majesty knows what we mean (wink wink).

As for her status as a divorcee well, we need hardly remind Your Majesty that the Anglican Church was established by her predecessor Henry VIII for the express purpose of getting a divorce so that he could pursue vigorous concupiscence with whoever he wished all over the shop.

Indeed we would now humbly entreat Your Majesty to encourage Prince Harry not to hang around too much on the period of engagement. Basically, we need Harry to get his finger out of his royal fundament rapidamente and have the deed done before next spring. And we need him to announce his engagement this side of Christmas. You see this is a sensitive time in the history of your great kingdom and the people have been growing restive of late about the protracted nature of our Brexit negotiations. Pretty soon we’re going to have to release the full impact report of Brexit on the British economy which, not to put too fine a point on it, will be brutal.

We’re also keen to slide out a few bits of legislation in the area of benefit cuts and austerity which might cause some unrest. In particular, we’ll be announcing a freeze on working age benefits until 2020. The irresponsible left-wing press will form the most negative view possible of this just because it would cost a typical working family around £300 per year. But if we could get the young couple to announce their engagement early next week it would work as a neat camouflage and lessen the impact.

In generations past, Your Majesty and her family have all been dutiful in maintaining a steady production line of royal engagements, weddings and babies at critical moments in our nation’s history. It keeps the punters happy and reminds them that some things are more important than merely having a job, good health and a decent house.

Finally, we understand that the new royal couple will require a palace in good working order and so we have approved a grant of £2 million just to help with the fixtures and fittings of whichever one of your properties around the country you choose to gift to them … and a crèche for the first of what we expect to be many new arrivals.

I remain Your Obedient Servant,

By the Grace of Your Britannic Majesty,