NAE lang syne I was trainin in a wee gym in Forres, Moray. It wasnae owre fancy a chaumer: a few dumbells, a treadmill. It was up the stair in the local squash club, sae the air rung tae the soon o the wee baas stottin aff the waa. Ootside was the muckle green gress o a perk. Bairns pleutered through the dubs, birds chuntered fae tree tae tree, an in the gym me an a bourach o ither young lads heched an peched, gettin fit. A couthier scene ye couldnae imagine.

“Here lad, hou come ye dinnae tak steroids?” ane o the cheils speirs at us, atween sets. I pit doon ma twa-pund dumbell an leuk up. The boy askin is the size o a gable-end. “Eh ... whit?” says I, wi ma naitural eloquence.

“I’m sayin, I ken ye pley rugby an that, hou dae ye no tak a bit steroids. I’ve got some wi us I can gie ye a shot o some, like?”

It wasnae easy tae repone. The hing is, I’d hae bloody loved some steroids. Plus, the laddie was bein naethin but sound tae us. Here I wis, an ootlin in Forres, an this boy, heid o a wee clan o laddies o aboot twenty year auld, is gien us a free go on his Popeye pills. Thon’s nae mair nor guid Hielan Hospitality fir the 21st century.

I said naw. Cuz I’m a bit jessie. Efter the session I got the boy ootside fir a blether.

“Whit ye daein the steroids fir like?” He wis aboot heights wi me, an a cheery leukin-sowel, but he wis equipped wi airms that could punch their wey oot a bin lorry. He wis like a teuchter Vin Diesel.

“Ach, I just tak then tae leuk guid eh? Ma burd loves it.”

Masculinity these deys is a body wi back muscles deep an sinewed like a dry riverbed, airms that could throttle a coo an a dowp like a pair o rock-hard bannocks. Sae young lads are pugglin theirsels in gyms, stervin theirsels an, aye, takin a guid dose o steroids in an ettle tae match this ideal masculine physique.

“Dae ye no get Roid Rage, pure fin yersel bealin aa the time owre naethin?” I speirt.

“Me? Naw min, I’m pretty saft like. I dinnae tak loads o it, just a wee bt tae grow faister, ken?” He laughed tae himsel, a bitty blate.

I shook his haun an we went aff oor seperate weys.

This wasnae an anomoly. There’s a epidemic oot there. Young Scots pishin steroids intae their bluid is mair common nor ever afore. A recent report shaws that thoosans o fowk, maistly males atween 22 an 24, are noo intae steroids. An 55% o them admit tae daein it purely tae leuk braw. Nae fir sportin advantage or strength but just tae feel mair comfy in their ain skin. Ae needle exchange in Glasgae – foondit tae help heroin users – has seen a 600% upbiggin o intravenous steroid users comin in owre the last ten year. Sax. Hunner. Percent.

I wis nearly ane o them. I wis sair temptit tae tak steroids in Forres. An I’ve been temptit aa the ither times it’s been available tae us in gymns an changin rooms owre the years. Fact is, I’ve aye hud body-image issues. Whan I was aboot twal, thirteen year auld I’d gar masel spue efter meals tae mak masel thin. Aince I’d made masel skinny, I stertit doon the gym, pure burnin masel oot in the weights room, batterin doon aa the protein pooders an aahin else in a fruitless ettle tae bulk up. Whan I at last stertit tae get strang, I could never get strang nor lean enough, an ma body aye caused us anxiety. Or raither, ma body wis the lichtenin-rod fir ma anxiety. I explained awa ma ain sense o failure bi blamin ma unmanly biceps. Gin some cheil doon the gym had offered us steroids at nineteen, I’d hae got wired intae them like they were sweeties.

I still get temptit noo an again the dey. Hou should I no get great muckle airms an a kist ye could stap a train wi, like thae cheils in the films dae? Ye see the result o sic temptation aa aroon ye on a weekend nicht in toon centres aa owre Scotland. Laddies in T-shirts, wha’ve biggit theirsels intae human tractors, micht leuk as dangeous as a coiled snake, but are in fact victims o unattainable masculine ideals that we’re telt we maun aspire tae.

Time wis, lads wernae bathered aboot ony o this. Ye could hae the physique o a puddin an an erse like a battered auld bean bag an naebody wad care, whilst lassies were stervin theirsels doon till their baney wee hauns were aboot chappin at Deith’s door. It’s no like that noo.

Steroids are bien tane tae medicate mental health. They are pairt o the fouthie mercat o legal an illegal supplements that are noo commonplace, sic as muscle-bulkin pooders an fat-strippin formulas. They are aa symptomatic o a perverse male body image an an image o masculinity that’s ahint suicide, drug abuse, bulemia an binge bevvyin.

Fae bairnhood, oor generation has hypermasculinity lairnt them as pairt o gender. As lassies are gien Barbies, wi her inflatit mammaries, we hae Action Man, wi his braid back an sax-pack. The ideal lassie, the ideal man. It gings through the films an tele ye see ilka dey as a wean: the superheroes, WWE wrestlers an comic beuks. Muscular James Bond wi his skinny female accomplices. Even pornography, which wis fir a lang time the domain o the auld cubby lad wi the muckle mouser owre his mou is noo dominatit bi hyper aggressive, hyper masculine, hyper muscular lads basically batterin lassies aboot the place. These are oor generation’s role models. There’s nae escaping it.

Noo the generations raised on this diet o unco body image are leukin at theirsels an they cannae mak theirsels happy wi the saft, flawed, human hing leukin back at them fae the mirror. They want the pooer, cash, influence an physical dominence we’re telt is an essential pairt o adulthood. An o course gin yer fae a scheme or ither warkin-class backgrun, ye’re no gettin ony place near siller, or real pooer or influence. Sae they are gettin the physique.

Warking-class laddies abusin steroids tae alter their physique is badly underreportit, an naethin at this stage is bein done. The muckle generation gap mean that the aulder heids, fowk in the position tae dae somethin aboot it, dinnae ken eneuch tae act. An the younger lads think it’s just the wye tae be.

There is a silent crisis oot there.