THE Tories are the Donald Trumps of Scottish politics: they’re a bit of an embarrassment, no-one will admit to voting for them, and everyone wishes they’d go away. It’s the Scottish Tory party conference this weekend, although if you’re under the age of 70 you could be forgiven for not noticing. The annual gathering of Scottish Tories is the only party conference in Scotland where there’s a resuscitation team and a zimmer frame hire shop on hand.

The conference will be attended by the usual Tory lobbyists, arms industry shills, private medicine companies, hedge funds, the Vampire Defence League, and those shops that sell trousers with the waistband up to your chest.

It’s a peculiar reality of Scottish public life that we have more Conservative journalists than Conservative politicians, by quite some considerable margin. If it wasn’t for the attendance of a suspiciously non-critical press at the Tory party conference, it could quite easily be held in the Bide-A-Wee Retirement Shed for crusty old imperialists, squeezed in between a rusty lawnmower with a broken blade and a bottle of paraquat.

These are the people who constantly tell us that the Scottish public loves Ruthie. No. No, we really don’t. And they are always telling us that the Scottish Tories are about to make an electoral breakthrough and how the SNP popularity has peaked thanks to the Ruthie, Warrior Princess astride her tank turret, and her faithful sidekick Mundanielle. But there’s as much chance of that happening as there is of Channel 5 getting through an evening’s programming without any poverty porn.

On Friday, Defence Secretary Michael Fallon announced to the conference that the UK Government is determined to go ahead and spend an extra £640 million on the renewal of Trident missiles, on top of the squillions that have already been set aside. The UK Government can’t find the money for a free helpline for benefits claimants, they can’t find the money to pay junior doctors, they can’t find many tax payments from Google, but they can find the money to spend on an offensive weapon system that has the potential to evaporate half the planet.

That’s what they mean when they say Britain punches above its weight. They mean death, destruction and devastation. They mean that the UK is the Pentagon’s go-to guy when it needs a fig-leaf of internationalisation as a cover. They don’t mean that the UK sets the gold standard in kindness and consideration. Punching above our weight is a violent metaphor for a violent state.

The government is pledging the money even before MPs have had a chance to debate Trident renewal in the House of Commons. Fallon announces that the replacement to Trident is already under way without even the fig-leaf of democratic scrutiny. Announcing it in Scotland is another example of the Tory government’s respect agenda for Scotland. That’s respect in the sense that two fingers is a respectful salute. It’s not just that the Tories don’t give a toss about Scottish public opinion, they enjoy making a show of not giving a toss. This is what Scotland voted for when it voted against independence. We voted for smug Tories to rub our noses in our powerlessness.

There’s no moral, logical or coherent argument for Trident or its replacement. Not that that stops some in the Labour party from trying. Just think of the jobs, say some in Labour and some trade unions. Just think of Jackie Baillie’s opportunities for getting on the telly to say just think of the jobs. Just think of Kezia Dugdale’s opportunities to claim renewing Trident is the way to get rid of it.

Treating Trident like a job creation scheme is like arguing that the health service shouldn’t supply drug addicts with methadone because it puts drug dealers out of work. If we’d listened to that argument then putting children up chimneys would still be legal. The simple fact of the matter is that if your job depends on maintaining a weapons system that can blow up the entire country, if it’s a weapon of mass destruction whose use is immoral and an obscenity, then you’re in the wrong job.

Yesterday, Davie Cameron came and made some more threats, this time about leaving the EU. The Tory party conference clapped politely and nodded in agreement. At least those of them who hadn’t nodded off. In a normal universe, the Scottish Tories would be an irrelevant fringe party, UKIP latte as opposed to the Faragistas’ full-on frothy cappuccino. There would be no need for anyone except die-hard politics geeks to pay them the slightest bit of notice. But this party of superannuated fringe players is actually our government thanks to their support south of the Border.

Tories cut Scotland’s budget. Tories take your benefits. Tories foist nuclear warheads on us. Tories threaten to tear us out of the EU. Tories threaten the future of the NHS. Tories slash your public services then tell you to clean for the Queen. Those aren’t threats, those are realities of Scottish life.

Until we arrive in a Scotland where the conference of a fringe party can be safely ignored like the contents of your shed, there’s going to be an independence movement. And thanks to the Tories, one day, sooner than you might think, that independence movement is going to win.