THERE are all sorts of impossible things in this universe. There are certain immutable laws of physics that cannot be broken, like travelling faster than the speed of light, broadcasting an episode of Reporting Scotland which doesn’t contain at least 10 minutes of fitba and a piece about a wee cute kitten, or feeling sorry for Davie Cameron. No matter what difficulty or dire strait our Prime Minister gets into, you only have to take one look at that round smug face of his and you think, “Naa, hell slap it intae ye.”

He once said he wanted the Tories to be a constructive government, but all he’s capable of constructing is the architecture of his own misfortune. It’s shaped like one of those phallus-like towers that litter the London landscape and originates from a similar desire to wave a part of the male anatomy about. What makes it all the more risible is that saving Cameron’s reputation is the only purpose this government has got.

Davie’s got a lot of difficulties just now. There’s the growing hysteria of the EU referendum campaign, where one side claiming that Hitler would approve of the European project is matched by the other insisting that the only people who want the UK to leave are supporters of Daesh. There’s over a month to go and judging by current trends by the time the vote comes round the hysteria will have reached such a pitch that it will be inaudible to human ears, for which small mercy we should be grateful. It doesn’t matter which side wins, in either event the other side promises that we’re going to be doomed to economic collapse, the abolition of civil liberties, World War Three, and the end of civilisation, but then that happens anyway when you have a Tory government.

The current self-inflicted wounds of this government all arise from the only question that interests Tory politicians, the great EU debate that’s only a great debate if you’re a Tory or a member of UKIP, who are merely the Tories who’ve stopped taking the medication. No one else is that exercised really. However in an effort to placate the EU-phobic wing of his party, and to ensure that they keep taking the Westminster Tory happy pills, this week our PM has already been forced into a humiliating U-turn on TTIP, proving that just like a porn star our Tory PM is expert at switching positions in front of a camera. Although porn stars are generally less sordid.

Also as a sop to the Europhobes, he has promised that the UK will withdraw from the European Treaty on Human Rights, as the Tories and UKIP are convinced that the only beneficiaries of human rights legislation are cats belonging to Bolivian migrants who’ve been convicted of offences. Deep down Tories believe that if you’ve got enough money you don’t need human rights or trivial little things like maternity leave, holiday entitlement, or a basic living wage, and since they are the party for those with loads of money, human rights are surplus to requirements.

The treaty isn’t actually an EU thing anyway, not that it matters to the frothers of the right-wing press. It’s got European in the title, which means it’s foreign, and if it’s foreign it’s not British. Apparently that’s a bad thing. We need British rights for British people, British rights that can conveniently be curtailed on the whim of a Tory government without having to worry its old Etonian head about those pesky Europeans.

What he forgot about in his panicked rush to keep some of the Michael Gove fan club on board – yes there is such a thing, which only goes to show how alien the Tories are – was that as well as being European, the European Treaty on Human Rights is also Scottish. Mind you, it’s very easy for a Conservative government to forget about Scotland. Forgetting about Scotland outside the grouse shooting season is the default position of an old Etonian.

Although the precise legal situation of human rights law is more complicated than the contortions that a Tory government gets into in an effort to save its skin in an EU referendum, what the Scottishness of human rights law means is that in order to replace the European treaty with a British bill of rights, Davie is going to have to get the consent of the Scottish parliament. That’s even less likely to happen than an episode of Reporting Scotland without any reference to fitba or a wee cute kitten.

The wee Tory band at Holyrood has been plotting how to ensure that their boss’s bill gets passed, but they’re hopelessly outvoted. The new Tory group has been given offices in Holyrood’s basement as they’re more comfortable in the whine cellar. The retention of the European Human Rights treaty is one of those things even rarer than a Unionist newspaper without an SNP bad headline, it’s something that Labour would support the SNP on.

This may not quite be proof that it is possible after all to break the immutable laws of physics, but it certainly proves that for all Ruth Davidson’s posing as the opposition who’s going to hold the Scottish government to account on behalf of smug Davie, when it comes to an actual vote she’s going to lose and her boss in London is going to find himself with another of his self-inflicted injuries. Serves him right for forgetting about Scotland. He risks leaving office as the PM who lost his fragile majority, who lost Europe, and who lost Scotland. He’s only got himself to blame.