Dear Angry,

With one week to go before the EU referendum, all my friends have become really political and irritating. They’ve gone from amiable and judicious to preachy and insufferable. Is it wrong that I’m not taking a side? I mean, I’m a reasonable guy – I voted for independence, after all – but I just don’t see why I’m being asked to decide between two views I don’t rightly care about this time around. It just seems stupid. Am I wrong? Should I be persuaded either way?
Jack, Glasgow

Jack, given their evidently keen interest in the European debate, I’m surprised it’s taken so long for your friends to become political and irritating. In my view, the EU vote is a dismal reboot of the Scottish independence referendum of 2014. But whereas our plebiscite was clearly a battle between hope and fear, honesty and deceit, good and evil – the EU ballot offers no such choices for the electorate.

Instead, we’re being presented with a choice between a cold, unloving government that doesn’t care about us and … a cold, unloving government that doesn’t care about us. Essentially, what this vote boils down to is whether you want lacklustre EU governance or untamed Tory rule. This is especially unfair when you consider that Scotland could be governing its own affairs, and having a much healthier discussion about Europe as an independent nation!

In truth, I have all but given up trying to find reason or equanimity in this referendum. Instead, I have come to consider the vote to be less about Scotland’s relationship with the EU and more a way of trolling the English on an epic level. Some are speculating that if Scotland votes strongly to remain in the EU, such a result could force England to stay in the European Union against its will – and what could be more cathartic than that?

This outcome would likely cause segments of the Leave campaign to explode in a bitter racist supernova, and in doing so render the planet a more tolerant and intelligent place. In my estimation, English nationalists shouldn’t get “their country back” until we have ours.

After all, if Scotland has to stay in a corrupt Union that England likes, it’s only fair that, once in a while, England has to stay in a corrupt Union that Scotland likes. There is also the delightful irony of Scottish and Welsh independence parties leading successful campaigns for a union, while David Cameron’s leadership results in a freedom he never wanted! Ultimately, my advice to you is to not consider this referendum on a political level – as nothing makes sense up there – instead, just do what feels funny. You’d be amazed how far you can get with such an approach!

I’M A SCOTSMAN! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Dear Angry,

I am currently on holiday in France with several friends. We booked this trip not realising that the Euro 2016 finals were on at the same time. Unfortunately, we have erroneously been tear-gassed, tasered and labelled “English scum” on a daily basis since arriving. Being a squad of proud Scotsmen, it is undoubtedly the latter abuse that has caused us the greatest indignity. How might we differentiate ourselves from the travelling football fans?

Jamie, Inverness

I’m very sorry to hear of your troubles, Jamie. There’s nothing worse than being mistaken for rambunctious football hooligans – especially the sort we’ve seen on the news recently. Going by the behaviour of some of their supporters, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Three Lions on the England shirt have put themselves up for adoption! Of course, that’s not to say bad behaviour at football is something Scotland isn’t familiar with. As a matter of fact, there’s a good chance we invented the concept.

However, unlike our English counterparts, we’ve at least had the dignity to confine such delinquency to Scotland’s central belt. Internationally, the Tartan Army is beloved by all – and rightly so! Many of the qualities our brothers below the Border are hated for abroad are the very things that have become cherished global stereotypes for Scots.

If an Englishman has too much to drink, foreigners brand him a rabble-rouser. If a Scotsman has too much to drink, he hasn’t had enough to drink yet! If an Englishman throws a chair, foreigners think he’s a criminal. If a Scotsman throws a chair, foreigners think he’s making an obscure reference to Braveheart. Accordingly, my advice to you is to act as Scottish as possible. Roll your Rs, hunt haggis, drink bad lager and, if possible, knit a few makeshift kilts using overgrown grass.

In doing these things, you will instantly be recognised as a group of jovial, fun-loving party animals who everyone wants to be around. Further to this, you mustn’t forget that being Scottish automatically makes you an excellent singer.

Generally speaking, a soulful rendition of Loch Lomond will usually keep rioting bampots at least a mile away from your party posse. Most tourists are there for the football, meanwhile your crew are there to charm members of the opposite sex with Trainspotting quotes and Highland dancing.

Only the English will make fun of you for being Scottish in Europe, but you’ll have the last laugh when we vote to trap them in the EU forever next week! The best way to stand out from the football mobsters is to become karaoke hungry, liquored up Europhiles with a penchant for tennis and globalisation.

When it comes to sexiness, Scotland will always be European champions. So, raise the unearned trophy of nationality above your head and claim victory in the only international contest that matters – popularity!