Dear Angry, England is out of Europe! What next? – Cuthbert, London (24 June 2016)

Cuthbert, the answer to your question of “what next?” is quite simply Scottish independence! After all, nothing says the UK is fundamentally broken quite like every Scottish council area voting to remain in Europe,only for our country to be forcibly taken out of the EU anyway. The democratic deficit involved in last Thursday’s referendum was so plainly obvious, that even the staunchly Unionist Scottish Labour Party are beginning to question just how united the United Kingdom really is. Further to the point, the referendum on Europe came about via the actions of a foolhardy Tory Prime Minister Scotland didn’t vote for in the first place … and I imagine England is beginning to wish it hadn’t either.

Indeed, I’ve received numerous letters from down south over the past week and they have all made me wonder if Scotland should consider setting up refugee camps for English people. It’s undeniable that your nation is coming to terms with the imprudent blunder it made last Thursday, a process likely expedited by those championing the result. Frankly, you know you’ve screwed up massively when Donald Trump says you did the right thing. That said, it’s hardly surprising that something instigated by David Cameron has caused such a mess. After all, he loves a good pig’s breakfast. Indeed, Dim-witted Dave probably thought the alleged “sticking privates into deceased hog” incident would be the most regrettable thing he’d do as a result of peer pressure. Yet his entry into the history books may now consist of the unintended breakup of Britain and Europe too. Most humiliating of all for Ham Cam, he has had to oversee the preliminary negations of Britain’s exit from the EU, an experience that must be akin to going into work with a nasty hangover and being reminded what a total boob you were while drunk.

Cameron has, of course, resigned as PM, but in doing so he has opened the terrifying doorway to Prime Minister Boris Johnson. How anyone could not be concerned by Boris, a man with the demeanour of a rabid baboon child, charging towards Downing Street is beyond me. Other worrying names in the hat include Jeremy Hunt – a nominee that would have not only junior doctors striking, but the entire country!

However, perhaps the most troubling consequence of Calamity Cameron’s botched referendum has been its unwelcome validation of the politics of Ukip and the far-right. Unfortunately, Brexit seems to have caused some individuals to think they can now be openly prejudiced without consequences, and this has many rightly concerned about the future of Britain. Douglas Carswell once described Ukip as an “optimistic party”, which is total baloney. They’re not optimistic; they’re nostalgic for an age that never existed. This futile mindset simply results in bigots stomping about, demanding “their country” be returned to them while waving “take back control” banners and spreading economic dishonesties.

Now, somewhat ironically, it is Scotland that wants its nation free from these “we want our country back” sorts. Undoubtedly, Brexit has brought Scotland and England’s marital status into question again. As much as Ukip would like you to think that a country of 55 million people forcing their will upon a nation of five million people is morally justified, it simply is not.

Moreover, people across Britain are finally realising just how unfair it is for Scotland to constantly be dragged through England’s political muck. The EU referendum may have been the dramatic wake-up call that makes Unionists finally understand the thought process behind Scottish independence. My simple hope here is that, in an independent Scotland, you’ll only leave the EU if you actually vote to leave the EU!

Dear Angry, England is out of Europe ... again! What did we do to deserve this? – Cuthbert, London (28 June 2016)

Oh, Cuthbert! It’s not been a very good week for you has it? In my first correspondence, I outlined some of the more serious aspects of England’s first European exit – and here I would like to take the time to enjoy the humorous points of its second! England’s loss to Iceland at Euro 2016 was the cherry atop a delightful cake of comedy! Moreover, the 2-1 defeat allowed sports journalists across the country to rejoice and thunder out Iceland “two for one” headlines. Your national side turned in a performance so bad that the Three Lions might put themselves up for adoption! Roy Hodgson losing to a part-time dentist was absolute comedy gold – and, come to think of it, the pound is doing so badly that England may wish to consider comedy gold as legal tender!

Iceland, with a population of just 650,000, was clearly seen as being too small and too insignificant to challenge the supposed might of England. In the wake of the Brexit vote, it seems that English self-congratulation was more apparent that English concentration – and the national squad paid the price. Out was the hunger of old; in was the sort of idiotic triumphalist egotism that always falls flat on its face. It’s hard not to appreciate the irony that the nation that bought into the “take back control” ideology now has neither a Prime Minister nor a national football team coach.

Overall, the loss was so embarrassing that the team may need to take a page out of the George Osborne book of hiding places! I think David Cameron may have to negotiate England’s future exemption from yellow cards, the offside rule and having to score goals. Cuthbert, the Iceland match, much like everything England related right now, was an open goal for humour, and I would personally like to thank your nation for the laughs it has given the world this past week! Chin up, old boy!