ARE you ready to bow down before your new Tory overlords, Scotland? Although to be honest the new Tory overlords look suspiciously like the last Tory overlords. Same overweening sense of entitlement, same telling Scotland what we can or cannot do on the basis of having a single MP here, same complaining that the EU is undemocratic because we don’t vote for it, same irony by-pass. The new Mayday government is being touted as blue-collar Conservatism, because it’s no longer headed by a bunch of upper-class idiots who went to Eton. Now it’s headed by a bunch of middle-class idiots who didn’t go to Eton and who will implement the same policies as the upper-class idiots who went to Eton.

Fluffy Mundell is the new Scotland Secretary, just as he was the old Scotland Secretary. May did want to replace him, but unfortunately Paddington Bear is busy filming a new movie. It’s not like there was a whole big field to choose from, although if the new PM had just gone out into a field and chosen a lump of dead wood she’d have a Scotland Secretary every bit as useful as Fluffy.

Scotland, and most of the rest of the world, was gobsmacked by the revelation that Boris Johnson was appointed the new Foreign Secretary. Possibly this was Theresa May’s way of demonstrating that she does have a sense of humour after all. We can now look forward to Boris representing the UK as he goes around the planet searching for a country that he hasn’t pissed off yet.

Conservative commentators reacted to the widespread derision by claiming that Johnson is extremely popular throughout certain parts of southern England where lots of people vote Ukip or Tory. Or as they like to call it, the UK. It’s certainly true that Boris has a degree of popularity in London. He’s the city’s third most popular mayor, which isn’t bad going at all. Mind you there’s only ever been three London mayors, but still.

It’s bad enough that Boris Johnson is the international voice of the UK. Yes Scottish people, this man now represents you to foreign powers. Boris Johnson is the international face of Scotland. And if that isn’t enough to make you want independence right now – in fact, yesterday – probably nothing will. Even worse than that, though, is the fact that as Foreign Secretary Boris is also the head of MI6. He’s James Bond’s boss now, and he’s licensed to shill. The head of MI6 can order all sorts of spy gadgets like ballpoint pens that could blow your head off when you sign a press statement saying you’re not going to back Boris’s leadership campaign. Michael Gove must be pretty worried. So it’s not entirely bad.

Phil Hammond is now Chancellor of the Exchequer. This is the same Philip Hammond who was Defence Secretary during the 2014 independence referendum campaign and came to Scotland to warn us that if we became independent we’d be defenceless against attacks from outer space. Somewhere out in the distant reaches of the galaxy there may be intelligent alien life which possesses the technology beyond our understanding that allows it to traverse the immense empty void of interstellar space, larger and emptier than the space between Fluffy’s ears. As a member of the UK, Scotland is deeply reassured to know that this highly advanced civilisation is going to be deterred by an Astute class submarine which failed to make a successful orbit of the Isle of Skye.

ET Phil was pronouncing on Scotland within minutes of getting Osborne’s old gig. Scotland, ET Phil said, won’t get any special status that allows it to remain a part of the EU while the rest of the UK leaves. Naturally the usual suspects in the Scottish Unionist media were all over his comments, splashing them as a blow to Nicola Sturgeon. This wasn’t really any surprise, as these are the same media outlets which, the morning after Scotland has voted for independence, will carry headlines saying "Massive blow to Sturgeon as SNP loses its raison d’etre".

In the real world – as opposed to the fantasy one inhabited by the more zoomy Unionists where absolutely everything that happens is a blow to the SNP despite the fact Scotland keeps getting closer to independence, or even the world inhabited by ET Phil’s little green security threats who’re going to be put off by a leaky sub – the comments were not a blow to independence at all. They were a blow to the hopes of those in the Labour party in Scotland and the LibDems who are still clinging to the notion that Scotland can somehow still retain its membership of both the EU and the UK. They’re going to have to face up to the truth of Scotland’s situation – the only way that Scots will be able to preserve our membership of the EU is by voting Yes in a second indyref.

ET Phil’s comments have just made it more likely that Scotland’s not going to call the UK home.