Ask Angry: Corbyn more Pikachu than Blair could ever be ...

THE difference between the Pokémon and New Labour brands over the years has been Pokémon’s ability to utilise one of its key gameplay mechanics – evolution. New Labour got old a very long time ago and watching its advocates cling to their late ’90s heyday has gone from cringeworthy to just plain offensive. Conversely, the new Pokémon Go app has captured the imagination of the entire world – the nerd contingent especially.

As much as your timeframe of 1997 lends itself to a comparison with Blairites, I actually see Pokémon having much more in common with Jeremy Corbyn. Corbyn is like a classic Game Boy. He might be old and grey, but what he represents is so fundamentally appealing that even the most modern of political gamers revere his retro style. Much like Pokémon, Corbyn has also found a way to thrust himself into the contemporary consciousness by blending old and new together to create something original. Corbyn’s old-school socialism might have faded from the mainstream a while back, but sprinkle a little bit of 21st century sexy on to it and suddenly it’s the game everyone wants to play again!

For years now, Blairites have been trying to dupe voters in deceitful and despicable ways akin to those of the villainous Team Rocket faction. Meanwhile, the rise of Corbyn has led to an increase in animated rallies and political discussion events not dissimilar to the kinds of social gatherings now resulting from the Pokémon Go app. By retaining enough of his retro charm while embracing the changing political landscape and contemporary views of voters, Corbyn could now “catch ’em all!” at a future election. But, much like every future Pokémon master, Jeremy must learn to uphold his honour in battle when necessary. As it stands, the figurative “Gym Leaders” he must defeat are paradoxically also members of his own party. Pokémon has taught us, however, that once these pesky opponents are defeated, you can earn their respect and some might even become key allies on your quest to become the best.

To answer your question, New Labour can never achieve the same success that it did 20 years ago. This is largely due to the ringleader, Tony Blair, being a colossal fraud and war criminal. If I had a single Poké Ball, I’d throw it at Tony Blair and give it directly to The Hague. For New Labour, it is game over. It is time to toss that dusty Blairite cartridge in the bin and embrace Corbyn’s universal, amiable humanity. With that sort of team spirit, Labour MPs may finally stop hurting themselves in their confusion and start winning the battles that really matter – against the Tories.

“What impact will the Trident renewal vote have on the drive for Scottish independence?” – Donald, Perth

Donald, I truly marvel at the insanity of people who talk about the “dangers” of Scottish independence while casually defending nuclear weapons. Fear is a pretty rational response to the threat of armageddon. Unfortunately, Westminster parties have been anything but rational in their response to proposed upgrades to the Trident atomic missile system. The recent parliamentary vote in London resulted in an overwhelming decision from English parties to renew the British WMD programme. In relation to Scottish independence, this is the key point – English parties voted for Trident. Or rather, English parties voted for Trident to remain in a country that voted against it.

I wish to see an end to all nuclear weapons. I do not simply want Trident to be popped over the Border and that to be the end of the matter. However, I must also consider the evident democratic deficit regarding the Trident system. Scotland does not want nuclear armaments, and as such it is unacceptable that she is made to house them against her will. I would like to think that English MPs might have considered their Trident renewal pledge more carefully had their vote been cast within one of the missile’s immediate kill zones.

For Scots, however, it is a matter of life and death that they are not willing to tolerate – especially when the debate has been focused on something as comparatively small as employment. Call me a cynic, but I really think job creation should come second to avoiding nuclear obliteration. Only a Tory could imagine industrial growth being predicated on the world being a more dangerous place. Worse yet, their Trident employment argument doesn’t even hold up. You could create thousands more jobs with the money wasted on this nuclear weapons programme each year.You could literally scrap Trident and pay all its former workers a million quid annually to hand out puppies and chocolate and still save money.

The debate on nuclear weapons should be centred on the moral question of their purpose. This week, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom proudly announced on live television that she is willing to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people with the Trident missile system. If this is what she is willing to do to a foreign enemy, imagine what horrors her proclamation could invite upon this country? The best national defence is not total self-destruction. Moreover, if our primary enemy is radicalised terrorism, a foe that has no country, no central place of operation and doesn’t fear death, what use is a nuclear warhead? The truth is that Trident never was a deterrent; it’s a political status symbol for leaders with severe issues. It’s also worth noting that the threat of WMD did not deter Britain from attacking Iraq. In fact, they were the supposed incentive for an autocratic invasion. Theresa May is a PM that nobody in Scotland voted for, and her views on Trident serve as a perfect elucidation of why we need Scottish independence. Trident is dangerous enough on its own, but it becomes even more of a threat when villains like May are in office!