THEY’RE at it again. Remember during the first independence referendum campaign there were all sorts of vague promises about how Scotland could get superdooperdevomaxiest if we remained a part of the UK? Well now we’re being told that if we stay a part of Theresa May’s madhouse we could get “neo-independence”. Which apparently is exactly like independence only without the independence bit. It’s better than independence like a fun-sized, low-fat, sugar-free, chocolate bar is better than a full-sized, full-fat one, and likewise it’s no fun at all.

Neo-independence will allow us to do all the things we could do with independence, except any of those things that we might actually want to do with independence, like escaping evil Tories or getting rid of Trident or staying a part of the EU or getting rid of the monarchy. It certainly won’t allow us to ensure that Michael Forsyth can no longer exert his malign influence over our legislation and laws despite the fact that the last time he stood for election he was told in no uncertain terms that he was less welcome than Donald Trump at a meeting of Mexican feminists. But other than that, neo-independence is just grand. It’s even better than devoultramaxdoubleplus because it’s got a hyphen in it and everything. But then so do two-faced and self-defeating.

Anyway, according to a leading academic, writing for a tabloid newspaper that accidentally failed to mention that he’s a leading member of the Unionist organisation Scotland in Union, Scotland could be in for a bonanza of devogoodies if only we give up on this silly idea of independence. Professor Jim Gallagher wrote that one of the biggest problems with Brexit was that the voters handed the politicians a blank cheque. Brexit wasn’t defined, and so Westminster politicians have decided to make it all up as they go along and deliver the form of Brexit that suits their own short term interests.

Strangely however, the good professor omits to mention that Westminster politicians did exactly the same thing following the Scottish independence referendum, even though they had indeed made all sort of specific promises and commitments, and dare I say it, a vow which was on the front page of the very same newspaper in which he was presenting his new neo-not-independence plans.

The vow was about all the devogoodies and massive respect that Scotland was going to get for voting No. Instead what happened was that there was a race to the bottom between the Unionist parties as they all eviscerated the Smith Commission proposals, and we ended up with control over road signs and a few minor tweaks to tax and benefits powers that the Scottish Secretary of State was pleased to describe as a trap for the Scottish Government. And then we got that whole Brexit thing that provides the occasion for the professor’s latest musings, even though we were assured that the only way Scotland could maintain its place in the European Union was by voting No.

Yet, having been lied to and deceived by said Westminster politicians, we’re now being enjoined to put our trust in these same politicians to deliver this fancy neo-independence to Scotland without having the slightest ability to get them to co-operate with us. We’re expected to believe that Westminster is going to transfer powers to Scotland because Westminster just loves handing away its power. But the real problem with this new superdevoenthusiasticitspurebragga- docious proposal is that Theresa May’s Government has already ruled out transferring some of the powers mentioned. The only chance they’ve got of ever being implemented is for Mary Poppins to do some magic.

It was suggested that as part of this new confederation of partners who are touted as equal but they’re not really, that the Scottish Parliament could receive some powers over immigration. However before the EU referendum, before he stabbed Boris in the back and saw his career getting flushed down the toilet pan of Westminster like a dead goldfish, Michael Gove suggested that in the event of Brexit, Scotland could be allowed some control over immigration. That proposal is now more dead in the water than the Govefish’s Tory leadership hopes. It really wasn’t very long ago either that Mikey mouthed the plan like a Tory fish out of water, and even more recently that it was bundled up in the barbed wire that Theresa May wants to use to corral foreigners. However one of the defining features of modern Scottish Unionism is that it relies on the populace having a very short memory. Shorter even than a Govefish.

It has all become terribly predictable. The prospect of an independence referendum appears on the horizon, and all of a sudden the Unionist establishment becomes very keen to assure Scotland, in vague and unspecified ways, that the maximum possible devolution that we’re currently supposed to enjoy isn’t so maximum after all. What there never is is any firm commitment to introduce any of these wonderful new plans, they’re dangled in front of Scotland like the carrot on the proverbial stick, always just out of reach.

The biggest problem faced by any of these proposals for all singing, all dancing, modern neo-not-independence is that the Tory Government is as keen on giving away power as it is on welcoming refugees. There’s a far bigger problem, and that is that no one in the pro-independence camp, to whom these proposals are presumably designed to attract, is going to believe a single word of them. Because as Professor Gallagher so helpfully didn’t point out, politicians will treat a referendum result as a blank cheque, even when it wasn’t a blank cheque at all.

The first requirement when embarking on any sort of negotiation or making any sort of promise that the party doing the promising should have a modicum of credibility. When it comes to keeping their promises about Scottish self-government, the Unionist parties have precious little of that.

Any new proposal from the Unionist camp about superturbochargeddevo is going to be met with a resounding chorus of “But you said that the last time, and it turned out you were lying”.