OAN Monday oor leccy wis aff fir the day. A neebor, wha’s biggin a new hoose, wis getting conneckit up til the grid sae we wis telt we’d be ‘cut aff’ while the sparkies goat ‘wired in’ sae tae speik. We ettled oan balin oot fir the duration o these ongauns sae we trauchled aff tae Ayr tae dae a bit Christmas shoapin, an finnin wirsels still wi time oan oor haunds ah suggestit gaun tae see the the Star Wars spin-aff Rogue One at Killie Odeon – oor Pictur Hoose o chyce.

Ah’ve mind gaun as a verra young man tae the first Star Wars film. The original series hud a magic that ony o the new franchise juist disnae hae. Scrollin back e’en further intil ma mis-spent bairntid the Picturs wis aye a big thing in ma life. In the verra early 1970’s atween the ages o 12 &14 me an a couple o pals wid tak the bus evri (an ah mean evri!) Friday nicht tae the Pictur Hoose at Cumnock. Less than a pound peyed fir the bus, the film an yer sweeties; chainged days nou! It wis aye a byordnar thrill gangin tae the Picturs – an thon sense o excitement hus ne’er left me anent the”silver screen”. Nae maitter the film we wid watch it; Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory; Valdez is Coming; Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; Conquest of the Planet of the Apes; a kweerious Japanese film anent a submarine an sea monsters, caa’d Antragon (hus onybody else mind o that – or ah’m ah imaginin this yin??); an goat flung oot bi Big Don (the owner/manager) tryin tae slip in unner age tae see A Clockwork Orange – ah’d tae wait aamaist anither 30 years tae see that yin in a cinema – but thon’s anither story! Cumnock Pictur Hoose went the wey o aa thae auld cinemas – becam a Bingo Hall, an then wis demolished. Ah juist need tae shut ma een an ah can see its fantoosh mock art-deco frontage. Aye, Housman’s ‘land of lost content’ shinin plain indeed!

MEANWHILE, we sat back in oor plush sates at Killie tae enjoy the latest Star Wars effort. We’re no fashed wi the 3D versions an fir ordinar prefer the 2D films. Whit maks a great film? Thon’s easy – a great story! Citizen Kane an Avatar wir great stories – thon’s why they’re twa o the biggest films o aa time. We baith enjoyed Rogue One, but lik a cairry-oot meal, it left ye fou up, but unsatisfied. Ah daur say weans (an a wheen o adults) wull absolutely luve it, but ah felt it lacked somethin. An whit did it lack? Weel, ah’m sorry Gareth Edwards, but it lacked magic! An thon’s a crime in cinema.

It wis the thinnest maist shilpit type o story tellin. It relied oan “shock and awe” tae cairry it – which did kindae wark a loat o the time ah’ll admit. The film relies oan the action pairts. It is a michty spectacle! But the characters wir cairdbuird cut-oots, nae better as CGI’d twa dimensional cartoons frae a PC gemme – mair o whilk later. Felicity Jones’s Jyn character is gien a kindae feminist power mak-ower, but ah dinnae think this warks – it’s sic a “richt-oan” chaip device bi the script writers. Try haurder you fowk! An the rest o her crew are a space-suitit Magnificent Seeven – the feck o thaim designed tae be expendable. We’ve aa bin here afore. Mind, the “resurrection” o Peter Cushing is a thing tae behaud! This wull hae muckle implications fir the future o cinema! When’s the new James Dean/Marilyn Monroe film due, bi the wey? Wull we finally get tae see Charles Laughton’s I, Claudius?

Baith ma wife an masel commented efterhint in a moment o synchronicitous concordance that amang the bombs, guns, lasers, an explosions we wir baith thinkin oan Aleppo. No the kindae dowie eemage ye want in yer heid at Christmas; an the Daith Star’s inventor Galen Erso hud mair than a souch o Robert “Destroyer o Warlds” Oppenheimer aboot him. Or wis that a deliberate sub-text frae the director? Aiblins he’s due mair credit than ah thocht? Eidently claithin a weans film wi a mair ugsome an terrible message? Or mibbes no...

Tho the Industrial Light and Magic (ILM) fowks special effects wir byordnar cosmic an awesome the hale thing likesay hud mair than a souch o Warhammer/Call of Duty/Total War PC gemme ‘shoot ‘em up’ aboot it. Like thae gemmes it alsae kindae sanitises war. Unlike the horrors o the trenches o WW1 or a Helmand IED gaun aff an blawin rael sodgers tae spales, fowk wir bein kill’t ho-ro in this film, but they aye fell doun wi no a merk oan thaim – skelpt bi a skime frae a laser gun they fell ower in droves lik tailor’s dummies. Mind, ah dout gin ony government wid allou rael scenes o the horrors o war or terrorist attacks tae be seen oan big or wee screens; ah jalouse it widnae dae much fir business at recruitin oaffices? An sales o cluster bombs bi UK arms companies micht see their share price dive gin fowk saw whit these things really did – an we cannae upset the shareholders Christmas bonus! Guidwill tae aa men, an aa that!

But, heh! It wis anely a movie! An the hale ettle o movies is the suspension o disbelief – an that still kindae warks. Let’s howp we can aye-an-oan tell the difference atween cartoon daith an the rael thing.When we goat hame a switcht oan the news. A lorry hud deliberately drave intil croods o fowk in Berlin at a Christmas mercat in whit seem’t a terrorist act – an, try as haurd as ah cuid tae pit it oot ma heid, this wisnae “mak-believe”.

Scots proverb of the week 

'A hungert tyke ne’er mindit a blaud wi a reuch bane'. 

Many people will endure abuse or rough treatment where their personal interests are at stake. The Italian version of this translates as; ‘Pelt a dog with a bone and you will not offend him’.