IT has been some year, 2016; death and division have ruled.
At times, it’s almost felt a bit like maybe we’ve failed as a species.
We don’t need to go through it all. ou’ve lived it, survived it. So far. There are still five more days to go.
So, in a bid to pretend it hasn’t happened, we present here what we wished had happened in 2016.
Sure, no good comes from wishing away the past, but, frankly, we’ve a few pages to fill in the quiet lull between Christmas and New Year. We can’t fill the whole paper with Old Firm gubbins.
President Clinton
IN the end it wasn’t even close. Hillary Clinton defeated Donald Trump by three million votes, the second biggest margin in US electoral history. Thanks to the perfectly normal way the US count votes in a Presidential election, this means the Democrat triumphed over the billionaire businessman.
The Republican, whose maw comes from Tong in Scotland, was humiliated as Americans rejected his divisive and often toxic campaign. A victory for Trump would have been a victory for racists and misogynists and a loss for the working class, disenfranchised who flocked to his campaign. It would almost certainly have pushed us towards World War Three. Luckily, that hasn’t happened.
Scotland on course to qualify for World Cup after thrashing England 3-0
The Tartan Army look set to spend the summer of 2018 drinking vodka and eating borscht as the boys in blue hammered three goals past Gareth Southgate’s men.
Gordon Strachan’s future looks secure, with the SFA, surely the most competent governing body in Scotland, giving the gaffer their unqualified backing. The win follows fast on the heels of the pasting given to Slovakia just a month ago.
Scotland, as is their custom, remain at the top of the table and are surely one of the early favourites to take the World Cup.
Great British Bake Off extends franchise
THANKS to the dogged protests of the Scottish Resistance, the Great British Bake Off team are to host a one-off Scottish special.
The programme has just signed to the BBC for another decade, with judge Paul “The Scab” Hollywood replaced by Gregg from Greggs the baker.
Contestants on the Scottish special will be expected to make Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, Tunnock’s Caramel Logs, Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers and tattie scones.
Nigel Farage shamed – David Coburn becomes Ukip leader
AFTER eight hours of surgery Ukip leader Nigel Farage has finally been removed from the colon of Donald Trump.
The right-winger who hates nice people, especially if they’re foreign, had used scant contacts with the Republican billionaire in a bid to raise his own profile and get a TV show like what James Corden and Piers Morgan did.
However, Farage, it appears, is just too odious for even the staunchest Republican TV fan.
The humiliation has forced Farage to resign as leader of Ukip.
The party’s man in Scotland David Coburn has stepped into the breach.
Holyrood election sorted in Pokemon Go battle
SCOTTISH voters said they were frankly bored of voting and told MSPs to sort it out themselves.
After a lengthy battle in which Kezia Dugdale’s Snorlax defeated Patrick Harvie’s Hypno before losing against Ruth Davidson’s Pidgeot which in turn lost to Nicola Sturgeon’s Fearow, the SNP were returned to government.
Tory Government says “fair enough” and lets Scotland stay in the EU
AFTER nearly two-thirds of Scots voted to stay in the European Union, Prime Minister Theresa May tells Scotland that it’s fair to let them stay in the EU.
While the rest of the UK leaves the party to attempt to get into a pub in town, Scotland is to stay in the kitchen having a wonderful time making all the people laugh.
May told First Minister Nicola Sturgeon that she had too much on her plate to have time to ignore Scotland. “I’m off, you do what you think’s best for Scotland,” she said.
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