THE National has come into possession of an advance draft of the inauguration speech to be given in Washington DC on Friday by President Trump. We can’t vouch for its authenticity but we are publishing in the public interest:

My fellow Americans. It’s fantastic to be here. Really fantastic. I stand before you today proud – but not humbled – as the 45th president of the United States. I follow in the footsteps of Jefferson, Lincoln, the two Roosevelts, and Kennedy. I richly deserve this honour. In fact, intend to become even richer as a result. Except you won’t know about it because I still refuse to publish my tax returns. And you should too, folks. That’s your constitutional right and I intend to stick up for the constitution regardless of how the Supreme Court votes.

I want to be remembered as the President who brought America together again. I genuinely want to reach out to the majority of Americans, those who voted for that criminal Hillary by 48 per cent to my 46 per cent. For those losers and members of the liberal and media elite, I have a message: get over it! I’m here for the next four years and there’s nothing you can do about it except impeach me.

Okay, serious time. I promised to look after the little people. I promised to make America rich again. You know what, folks, it’s only taken me only 24 hours to do it. My Cabinet is the wealthiest in US history. It includes ExxonMobil’s CEO, a former partner in Goldman Sachs and an investor who made millions off sub-prime mortgages. All told, my Cabinet is worth personally $14 billion. That’s 50 times the net worth of the Cabinet hired by George W Bush. That shows you how dumb those establishment Republican presidents were.

You’ll have heard the fake news and lies about me not separating my own business interests from the White House. Let me assure you, I’m a successful business man. I will continue to own the Trump Organisation, just as I now own everything else – just kidding, folks. But I’ve put day-to-day management into the hands of my two adult sons, Donald Jr and Eric. They have sworn on a stack of Bibles never to discuss company business with me.

I’ve been asked how I’m going to create jobs for Americans. By just doing it! I hate paying taxes. So now that I set federal taxes I can get rid of them. Easy! Already the stock market has reached a record high. Genius, pure genius. Just wait till we start handing out federal road-building contracts. I have lots of business friends in Atlantic City in the cement trade who are just waiting for construction contracts.

Which brings me to the Mexican wall. How am I going to get that built? I’m going to challenge what’s-his-name, the Mexican President – love that President word – to a giant game of Jenga.

I’ll let the Mexicans build the Jenga pile first. Then, when they’ve finished, I’ll tell them I won’t play anymore. Just kidding. Listen: I invented the art of negotiation.

Once I sit down with the Mexicans and the Chinese, they’ll cut a deal. After all, when you tell the world you want to make America great again, and insult them to their faces, the world is bound to knuckle under.

While I’m on international affairs – I deny all those fake news stories about me doing disgusting things in Moscow. It didn’t happen. It never happened. And it wasn’t as much fun as it sounds. Let’s stick to what is really important. I want to bring back a golden stream of jobs to America. The biggest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen.

Now I want to turn to President Putin – there’s that great President word again. Beautiful, just beautiful. Here’s my word to Vladimir: tovarishch. Russia and America go back a long way. Remember when we bought Alaska from the Russkies back in 1867? It cost President Johnson $7.2 million. I tell you folks, we were robbed. If I’d been handling the deal we’d have got Alaska for a lot less. Anyway, my friend Vlad says he’d like to reopen the deal and give us our money back plus some. And he’ll throw in some amateur videos he’s taken of me.

Next, a word to those liberals who say I can’t be trusted with the nuclear button. Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure. it’s not your fault. For the record, I have a plan to limit my access to nuclear weapons. I am encouraging our allies to buy their own. I’ve already suggested that Japan gets its own nukes in order to deal with North Korea. That should certainly keep the peace. I’m a peace-loving man. That’s why I have appointed General “Mad Dog” Mattis as my Secretary of Defence. Mad Dog is a great marine. I love quoting him. Here’s his message to America’s enemies: “I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f--- with me, I’ll kill you all”.

Then there’s that other wonderful Mad Dog saying: “The first time you blow someone away is not an insignificant event. That said, there are some a--holes in the world that just need to be shot”. And best of all: “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet”.

There is one country in the world that brings a tear to my eye – my mother’s homeland, Scotland. I just love Scotland and I won’t rest till I have turned it into a giant golf course and torn down all those windmills that I don’t own. Who says Donald J Trump hates the environment? It’s lies, it’s fake. I’m looking forward to my first visit as President to Scotland. They tell me all the political leaders are women.

I can’t wait.

Now folks, I don’t want to keep you here in the cold, especially because the wind is likely to disturb my hair. We have a classy line-up of performers for this inaugural – the Rockettes and of course acts from America’s Got Talent. To Elton John and Andrea Bocelli who refused my invitation to perform: losers! This is an inaugural for the people. I’m the People’s President so I won’t be doing the usual big round of events. As so few A-listers seem to be free tonight, we’ve cut things down to two official balls plus one for Mad Dog. Would-be contestants for the next Miss Universe get in free after an audition by myself.

A last word to all you losers who think I’m a joke: I’m real and in the White House. Finally, fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Donald Trump.