TRUMP’S only been in office for a couple of days and already we’ve seen the dashing of the fond hopes of those who thought he was beginning to look like a grown-up president. Not like a petulant clown who insists that truth is the most recent thing that just issued out of his gob irrespective of whether it contradicts what he said just a few days previously. The Donald is still in campaigning mode, which is starting to look like his only mode.

With Trump it’s not really accurate to speak about post-truth, as that implies that he was capable of some sort of truth to begin with.

It’s a bit of a worry that he got his press secretary Sean Spicer to go to war with the entire US media. It would be bad enough if he’d done so over some crucial matter of state, but instead he’s chosen to do so over the utterly trivial question of how many people turned up for Trump’s inauguration. It bodes ill for the future if Trump’s administration has a meltdown over such an unimportant issue, just because the Prez’s ego can’t handle not having the biggest and best.

It’s not that there were empty stands all along the route of the inauguration parade. It’s not that photographs proved that there were huge areas of empty space on Capitol Hill where it had been packed with people during Obama’s inauguration. It’s not that figures from the local transport authority showed that far fewer people had travelled on the day of Trump’s inauguration than had travelled on the day of Obama’s. There were people there, it’s just that they were wearing invisibility cloaks.

More people turned up for Trump’s inauguration than have ever turned up for any inauguration ever, insisted Sean as he tried to fit his shoulders into his dad’s suit jacket. This was merely an instance of Sean offering alternative facts, the sort beloved of the alternative right.

In Scotland, we are used to alternative facts. The Better Together campaign deluged Scotland with alternative facts all the way through the independence campaign, and the Unionist parties haven’t ceased since. All the while they’re lecturing us about the evils of post-truth politics when they’re the ones who have done more than anyone to contribute to the devaluation of fact.

It’s an alternative fact that your pension payment would cease the day after independence. It’s an alternative fact that you’d be turned away from an English hospital and left to die on the street. It’s an alternative fact that Scotland has the most powerful devolved parliament in the world. It’s an alternative fact that Scotland is an equal partner in the family of nations that is the UK.

It’s an alternative fact that the morning after a Yes vote in a Scottish independence referendum that the pound in your pocket would evaporate.

At least these are facts of a sort. They may be facts in the exact same way that it’s a fact that Ruth Davidson is the most competent and popular politician in Scotland, and not that she gets a free ride from the Unionist press because she used to be one of them.

But from the British Government and Theresa May in particular, we don’t even get facts of the alternative variety. We just get meaningless verbiage that is entirely unrelated to the topic at hand.

Trump’s press secretary made some sort of a stab at speaking about the issue of attendance at Trump’s inauguration. He might have missed the mark by an even greater factor than a Trident missile test, but at least he was attempting to deal with the subject that was being discussed. Theresa May doesn’t even pretend to answer any questions at all.

If Theresa May was Donald Trump’s press secretary no-one would be talking about alternative facts. They’d be talking about the entire absence of any sort of relevant facts at all. There are, in fact – and that’s real fact – more particles of matter in a cubic centimetre of the hard vacuum of interstellar space than there are relevant facts in any answer that Theresa May gives to a simple question.

And it’s a fact that is true by several orders of magnitude. Attempts to pin the Prime Minister down on the question of the failed Trident test have failed even more than the test did.

But then she doesn’t really mind if the missile went off course, as it would only go and blow up Scottish people. We’re remote, remember.

‘Did you know that the missile test had failed when you spoke to Parliament during the debate on Trident renewal, Prime Minister?’ It’s a very simple question. But instead Theresa gave us her own version of alternative facts, which entails telling us something else entirely and not even bothering to acknowledge that she’d been asked a question: ‘Trident renewal is very important,’ she opined. ‘And it’s because Trident is so important that I like to order sweet and sour king prawn from my local Chinese takeaway.

‘I’m committed to ensuring that Britain gets the very best deal from their Chinese takeaway. I have no time for naysayers who say there will be no prawn crackers. It’s not a binary choice.

‘And isn’t Jeremy Corbyn hopeless? Ask him to go for a Chinese takeaway and he’ll come back with a kebab. One made with that vegetarian substitute for meat.

‘I’ve been given a mandate to deliver Chinese takeaway to the British people, and I take that very seriously. Scotland will be getting king prawn sweet and sour even if you do have a shellfish allergy. It’s what Britain voted for.’ There’s not much we can do about Trump’s fantasies, but there is something we can do about Theresa May’s. We can vote for independence in another referendum, and then Theresa can explain to the Commons that her Chinese takeaway plans have come to naught for Scotland, because the UK’s had its chips.