WE shouldn’t have another independence referendum. Oh no. It’s terribly divisive when Scottish people get their paws on democracy. Far better for us to sit quietly sooking on some shortbread and allowing our Westminster masters to make all the decisions on our behalf. That way the fluffy gonk who occupies the post of Secretary of State for Telling Scotland to Shut Up won’t have to hear other people voice different opinions from his own. Then Fluffy won’t have to keep obsessing about how the SNP are obsessing with independence and instead he can get back to obsessing about how the evil SNP are making the richest Scots pay an extra £8 a week in tax while forgetting that the Tories have taken £30 a week away from the disabled.

It’s terribly upsetting for our state-sanctioned gonk to discover that not all the inhabitants of Scotland are stuffed toys like him who are happy to kick away the crutches of the disabled while depriving the richest of the price of a Chinese takeaway. Rich people are wealth creators, you know, and if they can’t get an extra portion of deep fried crispy won ton it could have a terrible effect on the economy. In fact, Scotland depends on ensuring that the richest in the country have free access to all the won ton they could possibly want from the Golden Dragon Chinese, Curry, Pizza and Beard Snack single market.

When Scottish people start debating about whether it’s fair that we don’t get to decide the future of our country and the path it’s taking, it gets Fluffy Mundell terribly annoyed. It means Scotland gets noticed, and not in a good way. It makes it uncomfortable for him because Theresa May gives him one of her looks during Cabinet meetings which gives him less time for beard snacking and preening his red, white and blue fluff. When Scotland gets noticed in the UK Cabinet it can only mean that the gonk isn’t placating the natives successfully and he could find himself being replaced by a cold-blooded reptile that’s been trawled up from the lower levels of Loch Ness. Luckily for him, Theresa can’t stand Michael Gove any more than anyone else can. In fact it’s one of the very rare points of agreement between the Conservative Prime Minister and the people of Scotland.

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Still, at least Fluffy's the only fully paid-up tartan gonk who represents somewhere in Scotland, so his non-job is safe even if he is subject to toe-curlingly mortifying interviews on the BBC Scotlandshire Sunday Politics show. Fluffy himself was very pleased with this interview, in which he showed off the skills he’s acquired from Theresa May and spent more than five minutes studiously not answering the question that had been put to him, instead choosing to answer the question he’d hoped Gordon Brewer had asked, which was seemingly a question about how bad the SNP was. Despite a sterling performance in evasion that even Theresa May herself would have been proud of, his appearance won’t do much for his career advancement as no-one in the Tory party is remotely interested in Scottish politics. They barely recognise that there is such a thing.

It’s a dangerous thing, democracy. It’s far too precious to be wasted on Caledonian types who’d just squander it on debating and having peaceful differences of opinion. It would be far better all round if Scotland just accepted that it’s really just a glorified English council. At least it would be far better all round for the Conservatives, and they are after all the only people in Scotland whose views count. Or more specifically, their views count as long as they agree with what the Westminster Conservatives tell them. Thankfully there’s no-one in the Scottish Conservatives who has ever indulged in the heresy of independent thought. That would be a bit separatist. Only cybernats think independently.

Unionism in Scotland right now consists of a chorus of angry voices plastered all over double-page spreads in newspapers, insisting that they’re being censored, while they assert that their calls for Scotland not to be heard are not being heard. Scottish Unionists must be the only political force on the planet that believes its core demand – that a country should shut up, be silent and do as it’s told – is being silenced by people who want all its voices to be heard and who want its people to have a say in their own future.

It’s a very peculiar sort of censorship, one which is practised by allowing the censored to control the vast majority of newspapers and to have the support of the vast majority of columnists. In Scotland, right-wing Unionists are so censored and so oppressed that they’re reduced to publishing their views about how hateful and intolerant Scottish nationalists are in double-page spreads in right-wing tabloid newspapers that preach hatred and intolerance about everyone who isn’t white, heterosexual, male, able-bodied, middle-class and a Tory or Ukipper.

We live in a world where Scottish Tories want us to think that they and their apologists are the outsiders, the victims, and the underdogs. It’s entirely irrelevant that they control the state, set all the rules, and get their way even though they’re a tiny minority. When you give airtime or column inches to a separatist you’re censoring the Tory apologist who could have been telling you how bad an idea independence is, and how the SNP is vile. And that’s bad. These are the exact same people who ensured that only two Scottish voices, one Welsh voice and one Northern Irish one were heard during the Brexit debate. Scotland’s interests were howled down in derision and contempt by those who whimper that they’re the victims.

The Unionists are terrified that Scotland has a say. They won’t allow Scotland to have a voice in the Westminster Parliament, and they’re utterly terrified that the people of this country might have an opportunity to cast judgment on how the Unionist establishment has itself respected the result of that referendum that they’re constantly telling everyone else to respect. They’re afraid because they know that when their record is examined critically, it will take all of two seconds to discern that it’s a tattered tissue of lies and deceit. That’s why they’re so determined to avoid allowing the people of this country to have a say. They complain from the pages of their right-wing newspapers that they’re being censored, while they want to censor an entire country. But we will not be silenced.