‘Twas the night before GERSmas, and all through Scotland
The bloggers were screiving; their time near at hand.
The headlines were crafted with doom and despair
In hopes that Lord Darling soon would be there.
The MPs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of oil money gushed through their heads.
And Brown with his spreadsheet, and Mackay (who’ll fudge it),
had just settled accounts and balanced the budget –
When outside the office there came such a racket,
They wondered if Ewing had started to frack it.
Away to the window they flew with a boom,
Tore open the curtains, and peered through the gloom,
at the Moon’s silver rays shining down on the hill,
and to the city below, feeling night’s chill.
When to wondering eyes, what should appear?
But a BBC newsvan and crew full of cheer,
with a silver-haired “guest”, inaudibly mumbling,
they knew right away, of course it’s Lord Darling!
More rapid than eagles his press team they came,
And he hopped and he danced and he called them by name:
“MacDougall and Dugdale! Murdo and Baillie!
“Cole-Hamilton, Tomkins, Mundell and Kelly;
“To the top of the land and down to the wall!
Report on the figures, mention them all!”
So into the GERS book, they buried their heads,
to find all the deficits, losses and debts.
Armed with his story, Darling’s smile grew,
he turned to the news team, brows glittering with dew.
“The case for independence has suffered a blow,
“Sturgeon’s day job is waiting – she’s not doing it, you know.”
Brown and Mackay drew back from the eave
What they were hearing, they could scarcely believe
The GERS figures weren’t that bad, of this they were sure.
from just the right angle, they had a certain allure.
“We can fix it”, they said, going back to their books
“We just need someone who can tease out the hooks.
“Who can quote all our numbers with a laugh and a joke,
“and is just simply all-round a capital bloke.”
So they called up ol’ Salmond, fresh from the stage
who dashed o’re to Holyrood with the air of a sage.
He appeared on the screen, cheeks flushed by the journey.
“But remember”, he said, “GERS says nothing about Indy”
“If only we had, the levers of power,
“We could do so much better, it’d be fixed in an hour.
“But there’s good in here too, just look at this line.
“Ignore that projection, you can always have mine.”
And so all throughout GERSmas, the racket went on.
Each side blaming the other, right through till the dawn.
And by the end of the day, nothing was solved,
Scotland remained with powers barely devolved.
And outside the bubble, the public still snoozing,
Scarcely aware of the political bruising,
which repeated each year, almost without fail
and which kept those inside it hearty and hale.
So to we who have chosen this life political,
I offer a toast and don’t mean to be critical.
Whether tomorrow brings you good news or else.
Merry GERSmas to all, don’t just write for yourselves.
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel