DEAR Angry,

My name is Freddo Frog. As you are most certainly aware, my likeness is used across the world in the production and selling of the famous Freddo chocolate bar. Originally produced by MacRobertson’s, founded by Sir Macpherson Robertson of Scottish descent, I have brought happiness and joy to children from Melbourne to Motherwell since the 1930s.

Sadly, my ability to warm the hearts and sweeten the teeth of children has become more difficult in recent years, due to the ever increasing cost of my bar. Back in the glory days of the 1990s, my chocolate self cost only 10p. Now, in the dark economic conditions of the 21st century, my price has risen to a shocking 25p. That’s a two pence increase every year since 2000. If trends continue, my delicious Cadbury form will cost an unthinkable 38p by 2030. I’m sure you will agree that this is entirely unacceptable.

Frankly, childhood is becoming unaffordable. Pocket money rates have remained fairly constant over the last several decades, and yet kid living costs are snowballing. For example, at the turn of the century, the Beano was a reasonable 50p, now it retails for a merciless £2.50. This sort of money would’ve covered the cost of a full haul of juice, sweeties and reading material from the newsagents back in 1995, but now the weans have to make needlessly tough choices between the Bash Street Kids and an Irn-Bru. What can be done, Angry?

Freddo Frog

DEAR Mr Frog,

There’s no denying that the rising costs of living in the United Kingdom have hit youngsters extremely hard. Adults, having convinced themselves that they’ve outgrown childhood, seem to forget that most kids do not have a disposable income that rises in line with inflation. Moreover, in this foul neo-Dickensian age, politicians and businessmen enjoy nothing more than maximising profit at the expense of the quality of the product. Sadly, nowhere is this more apparent than in the case of yourself, Freddo Frog. Your current owners are selling you short and upping the fare. This sort of despicable hornswoggling is symptomatic of a world that loves profits more than it loves people, and it must leave an ethical frog like you hopping mad.

The smiling faces of company mascots once stood for value, quality and, to some extent, kindness. Now, more often than not, they act as charlatan stooges whose only purpose is to convince the consumer that they’re getting a fair deal when the opposite is true. Thankfully, you seem to be of good character, Mr Frog. As a matter of fact, you are the first sweetie mascot to write to me with concerns over how inflation is impacting on the ability of children to enjoy affordable confectionery.

Unlike that loathsome tosspot, The Milky Bar Kid, you actually seem more interested in the people that choose to consume you than in material gains. That cringeworthy cowboy might proclaim that the “Milky Bars are on me!” but I’ve yet to see him buy a single white chocolate bar for anyone in my life. This is the sort of ugly commercial stereotype you need to overcome in order to recapture the imagination of the public as you once did in the 1990s.

Before the turn of the millennium, music was better, all bars served Hooch and – forgive me for saying this – you were bigger and thicker. The difference is only a matter of millimetres and grams, but, believe me, we’ve noticed.

Indeed, it seems quite evident that the executives at Cadbury have put you on a diet that has left you underweight. It’s high time they realised the dangers of inflicting an unhealthy lifestyle on their models in order to have them fit the capitalist mould. You should be allowed to be the Freddo Frog you want to be – at the price that suits you best.

So, my advice to you is this: hit the gym, eat lots of carbs and bulk up. Or maybe just enjoy the occasional cheeseburger. Be yourself. Don’t drink the capitalist Kool-Aid.

Myself and millions of others loved you in the 1990s and before, and we’d love to see you return to a healthier shape, price and state of being. It is my belief that you – not Cadbury – are the selling point, and as such, you should be calling the shots.

Once you are, the dodgy boys at The Beano are more likely to follow your lead and adopt prices that make sense to the kids of today.