ONLY a shallow churl would say that Glasgow City Council’s new citizen’s charter isn’t exactly the Magna Carta. After all, following decades of Labour inertia and failure to adequately address the social problems that affect the majority of its citizens, the new charter offers some optimism for the next few years.

The charter is a sort of social contract which seeks to bind citizens and politicians together in a deal to make Glasgow look better and aspire to be a finer place in which to live and work. It’s a cheery and jolly wee parchment which captures a sort of 1950s Scout summer jamboree flavour. In return for us punters being civic-minded and well-behaved, the council will look at some of the things which send Glaswegians round the twist like fly-tipping, potholes, cracked pavements, lack of local facilities and open spaces which are unkempt and scrofulous.

We, the people, thus promise to participate in council elections, make ourselves available for work, support local businesses and try to avoid leaving chewing gum all over the shop and allowing our dogs to leave their dirt unattended to.

Furthermore we will treat everyone with respect and keep a special look-out for our fellow citizens of a vulnerable or fragile disposition. I’d also throw in a couple of extra commitments like getting our homework done on time and maybe gathering for a wee community Falun Gong class on Glasgow Green when it’s sunny or merely cloudy and overcast.

This would assist with some much-needed self-cultivation and make us much more amenable to disposing of our kebab and crunchy pizza wrappers in the bins provided while queuing for a taxi at Central Station, and wiping our dogs’ arses. We might even rein in the foul language and loud Frank Sinatra songs on the George Square night bus.

In return for this our city fathers and mothers have also undertaken to invest in local leisure facilities to help people stay active. These should be “affordable”. Doubtless they will also lead to “outcomes” which are “sustainable”. They will invest in jobs and regeneration, education and childcare. Here too, I feel there is room for a few extra commitments which demonstrate willingness on the part of the council to go the extra mile, as they say.

I’d want them to urge cyclists to make a commitment not to wear inappropriate DayGlo Lycra and observe the traffic lights sequence like the rest of us. Perhaps we could also trial a scheme whereby cyclists are confined to the Clyde Walkway and encouraged to go the rest of the distance to their work on foot. Not only would they vary their exercise regimes by doing this but they would arrive at work in a non-sticky state and be free of the malodorous stench of stale sweat.

I’d also ask our mounted police officers to carry with them at all times uniquely reinforced bin-bags for the purposes of cleaning up the mountains of dung that their horses leave across the city. Perhaps some citizens could be sworn in as community marshalls who would possess the power to impose on-the-spot fines to the city’s gendarmerie who fail to carry out this task. If we’re all going to improve our civic-mindedness then this ought equally to apply to the cops.

I’d also encourage them to impose extra charges on people who insist on driving their 4x4s, people-carriers and humvees into multi-storey car-parks thus restricting the available parking spaces. Furthermore, if they want us Glaswegians to spend more of our poppy on local businesses and produce then it might be a good idea to make it easier so to do. I’d start by looking at the crippling rate charges for businesses which have left iconic boulevards like Sauchiehall Street and the High Street looking like a Wild West Klondyke town after the gold rush. I’d also encourage them to stop selling off council retail property to multi-national pension funds resulting in the invasion of the chainstores.

It is pleasing and edifying also to see that the council wants to tackle issues surrounding low pay and the Living Wage. Perhaps they might care to be a little more exact.

How about ensuring that no firm which fails to pay the Living Wage to all of its employees gets a whiff of a city contract until they start behaving themselves in this area? Similarly, any firm which specialises in hiring workers on zero-hours contracts or are found to be guilty of black-listing workers for trade union activity should also be debarred from lucrative council tenders.

And all firms seeking city work should also sign an undertaking that they have gender equality on pay and conditions in place.

And could they not perhaps impose a limit on the number of unsightly student accommodation blocks which resemble brick prefab cabins and which are beginning to disfigure vast swathes of the city centre? This is not the sort of imaginative and handsome urban development and regeneration we’ve been getting promised for decades.

Perhaps, too, they could finally come up with a plan to maximise the gift of having a mighty river running through our brilliant city. Most cities with rivers have used this gift of nature to add to their sense of sophistication and develop a vibrant atmosphere and boutique café society. Glasgow has made it a glorified joggers’ paradise and a place where over-priced riverside apartment blocks rise and fall like jaggy, concrete pyramids.

Perhaps I’m asking for too much and should be happy in the meantime with baby steps. Yet I also learned that councillors must still agree to this “in principle” and give the go-ahead for “further consultation”. In summary, this is a collection of feel-good ideas requiring no-one anywhere actually to implement any of it. There are no targets, no financial commitments and no risk of any elected politician ever being taken to task for failing to implement a single syllable of it.

It is a political blancmange consisting of flannel, jam tomorrow and mom’s apple pie. This is an “informal agreement” which requires “further consultation” before another report is made available for “consideration”. When these all-too-familiar words and phrases are glimpsed in the civic lexicon they usually indicate something flimsy, inexact and easily ditched when any pressure is applied.

Susan Aitken, leader of Glasgow City Council, is a capable and committed woman who loves Glasgow. I’m entrusting her with the responsibility of ensuring that a little of this land of milk and honey becomes a reality.