DEAR Angry, I recently came under attack from an assemblage of callous Cybermen on my way home from a Tory Party meeting. At first, I thought they were members of the cabinet, but quickly realised that they were far too honest about their intent to destroy Britain. I attempted to shoo them away with my umbrella but this only encouraged their violence, and I soon realised that my brolly was the only thing between me and certain death.
To my great relief, a police phone box materialised and somebody professing to be “The Doctor” leapt from it explaining that they were here to help me. However, I was dismayed to discover that this selfless individual had a vagina. As we all know, combating mechanical allegories for 20th century Nazism is a task for those with penis. Accordingly, I was very reluctant to accept assistance from this – pardon my French - woman.
After I calmly asked her to leave interplanetary combat to the boys and return to the kitchen, this quirky little blonde became exceedingly temperamental. Her fit of hormone-induced lunacy peaked when she began waving a high-tech looking thing at the Cybermen. Upon me enquiring about this, The Nurse claimed that she was a Time Lord who could manipulate physics with utensils from the future.
This, I rationally explained to her, was utterly preposterous. How could a woman be a Lord? Michelle Mone wasn’t a Lord, she was a Lady – and she not only wears bras, she makes them too.
In the end, my logical male arguments were lost on this unduly emotional mademoiselle, and she’s sadly still here trying to rescue me from the Cybermen. We are currently trapped in a cellar attempting to avoid execution…and conversation. Frankly, I’m scared to talk to her in case she insists that I call them “Cyber Persons”, or she starts banging on about her period cramps. What should I do?
Neville Thorburn, United Kingdom
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DEAR Neville, The notion that women can’t do time travel is absurd. As a matter of fact, Mhairi Black sent me back in time from the year 2031 to ensure that we win IndyRef2. She invented a working time machine after a six hour drunk with me in Partick once, crediting a dodgy midnight kebab and finding her old Meccano set at 2am. More importantly, your claim that interplanetary combat is a job for “the boys” is a massive insult to both Sigourney Weaver and what’s-her-face from Star Trek Voyager. Come to think of it, given your trouble with both time paradoxes and killer androids, you should probably be penning this letter to Linda Hamilton.
Overall, your attitude towards women seems to be utterly appalling, and The Doctor deserves substantial kudos for still wanting to do her job given the level of unwarranted hatred she has received.
Instead of simply giving this woman the chance to make your situation better, you have chosen to write her off without even seeing what she’s capable of. Now, you find yourself living in a basement, unable to communicate with the opposite sex like some sort of pitiful science fiction nerd.
It should also be noted that the automatons who are presently seeking to kill you are Cybermen. Not Cyberwomen. This is a life lesson in the domineering, violent nature of man. If anything, you might be best to shack up with your impending destroyers. Your life is obviously devoid of compassion and filled with aggressive authoritarianism. You should take to being a Cyberman like a duck to water. Moreover, the shameless objectification of your rescuer indicates that your bedroom exploits will be limited only to cybersex.
I suspect that your refusal to accept help is based largely on ego and conservatism, which has historically proven to be the deadliest combination of character traits in human history. If you admire Tories, it’s no wonder that you have so little faith in the opposite sex.
Just because Theresa May is unquestionably ruining the country doesn’t mean that all women are selfish, heartless and relentlessly incompetent. You might dismiss my response as political correctness, but I feel that I must speak out against your personal wrongness gone.
Clearly, the right course of action here is to trust The Doctor to save the day. As much as I’d like to see people who share your backward sexism removed from the planet, I’d ultimately prefer to witness your chauvinistic kind realise the error of their ways through education and open-mindedness.
Perhaps this woman you fear so much could turn out to be the best doctor you’ve seen in your life? You might even conclude that she’s done a better job than most men would. The Doctor is giving you the opportunity to change your prejudiced ways and join the rest of us in the 21st century and beyond.
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