Dear Angry, I’m taking the time out of my busy schedule as President of the United States to write to you in hopes of putting an end to your idiotic dream of Scottish independence. Right now, I could be on a golf course, or provoking North Korea into a nuclear war, but instead I’m writing to you – a loser – who won’t shut up about my alleged “failings” whilst lying to his own people about a second independence referendum that will NEVER HAPPEN!

You Scots criticise me all the time. You say that I’ve broken my promises. But what about your “leader” Nicola Sturgeon? Her so-called “summer of independence” last year? Never happened! Her big push for a second Scottish referendum after the Brexit vote? Went nowhere! Her announcement of IndyRef2 this year? Crashed and burned after a few weeks! Nicola Sturgeon is the First Minister that cries wolf, Angry! Everybody knows that! It’s no wonder that your stupid Yes movement is falling on its ass when its incompetent leader is creating such disillusionment with her false starts and deceitful assurances.

Throw in the litany of SNP policies that have proven to be a disaster, like the curriculum for excellence, minimum pricing on alcohol, centralised policing and named person, and you can only conclude that Nicola Sturgeon is a far worse leader than I am! Yet this newspaper that you write for says that she’s the best! FAKE NEWS, ANGRY! That’s what this publication is — FAKE NEWS!

Loading article content

Donald J Trump

President of the United States, Trump Organisation CEO, Awesome Guy Great Hair Massive Hands

DEAR Donald Trump,

I welcome your letter. Anything to distract you from being President of the United States can only be a good thing for the American people and world peace. As you are an American, your aggressively negative attitude towards independence from the UK has always made little sense to me. I suspect that this opposition to Scotland’s freedom has far more to do with your dislike of our beloved wind farms than logic or balanced reasoning — attributes you seem to be entirely devoid of.

I will concede that Scots have been almost universally critical of you, referring to you as a “roaster”, a “bawbag” and a “tango-faced goon”. However, I see no reason to correct these statements. Your business, political and entertainment careers stand as monuments to the validity of such terms. In fact, your undesirable appearance at WrestleMania alone would be grounds to refer to you as a “Wotsit-faced hobgoblin”.

Your attempts to school Nicola Sturgeon on political leadership are akin to a gerbil telling Neil Armstrong how to land on the moon. As much as our First Minister is not immune from criticism, I think that you should consider the old adage that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

The odds of there being a second Scottish independence referendum are far better than the odds of you getting a second term in office. Moreover, it is extremely unlikely that criminal charges will ever be brought against Nicola Sturgeon. I cannot say the same for you. In fact, I wouldn’t be at all shocked if you find yourself watching Scotland’s first Independence Day celebrations from behind bars.

Ironically, as much as you speak out against Scotland’s self-governance, it is your very Presidency that could be the ultimate catalyst for it. Your cosy relationship with the British government is no doubt making many Scots consider just how morally upstanding the UK actually is. Your connections with the alt-right in America, as well as refusing to condemn an endorsement from the KKK, lumps you in with some pretty nasty company. Of course, nasty company is not something that Theresa May shies away from, having recently made a deal with the equally abhorrent DUP. This vortex of loathing, prejudice and stupidity is not something Scotland wishes to be sucked into, and independence is our one way to avoid your hateful hurricane as it smashes across the Atlantic.

Ultimately, what separates you from Nicola Sturgeon is that her party is motivated by improving society, not worsening it. It’s true that not all of the SNP’s goals have been achieved, and not every policy has been perfect, however I fully believe that the SNP enact all of their legislation and political ambition with benevolence.

All of their strategies are well-intentioned. Clearly, yours are not. Your abuse of executive orders, manipulation of societal prejudices and servitude to greedy businessmen undercuts any condemnation you might have for our First Minister or her desire for Scottish independence. You are the exact opposite of everything an independent Scotland should stand for, and frankly I hope you keep up your denunciations of the idea.

Every time you say voting Yes is bad, there’s one less No voter for us to worry about.