DEAR Angry,

When I created the universe, I did so with the aim of creating a place in which beings could live at peace with one another. Without sounding too big headed about things; I thought I did a pretty darn good job with the cosmos. At one point, I actually thought it was perfect. I even sent my boy to live on your world. Sadly, this didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. What I’d expected to be a character-building trip to Earth, to give junior some work experience, ended in horrible violence and death.

My son’s ill-fated trip to your planet got me thinking, and over the past thousand years I’ve come to believe that there is a glitch in my grand design. My decision to grant free will to humans, in hindsight, may have been somewhat of a slip-up. I’m not saying that I made a mistake; I’m just saying that on this one occasion I may have misjudged the location of correctness.

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Humans just can’t seem to stop killing each other. It’s been going on for centuries, and every time I think that you’re going to improve, you somehow make things even worse. Now, with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un both threatening warfare on a global scale, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I should revoke certain aspects of free will. Angry, you seem like a guy who can get things done. What do you think I should do here?
God
Whereabouts Unknown

DEAR God,

First of all, I’m a huge fan. I know that might not always have seemed obvious, particularly before this confirmation of your existence, but you were always my favourite of the hypothetical spiritual scenarios. Secondly, I have to say that I really relate to you. For example, I too strive for perfection in my creation of an independent Scotland. Moreover, I totally get where you’re coming from with this “free will” business. Scottish humans had free will on September 18, 2014 and most of them used it to incredibly poor effect.

Indeed, as much as I am grateful that you granted autonomy to all, I do wish you had been a little bit more careful in drawing up the blueprint for mankind. I mean, aren’t we meant to be made in your image? If this is the case, how do you explain Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair and the Mrs Brown’s Boys writing staff? You really messed up there.

In your letter, you mentioned your child’s trip to Earth, and I have to say that his inter-dimensional holiday here has caused a lot of confusion at our end. As much as there’s no excuse for what happened to junior (I’m wholeheartedly against crucifixion), the book that our species wrote after his death is a bit... open to interpretation.

Generally, the novel captures the essence of what your son did whilst he was knocking about the Middle East. However, the final chapter “Revelations” really throws a curveball. As much as the rest of the book largely passes on good life lessons about charity and forgiveness, it really kicks off in Revelations. Without spoiling anything, it gets very “fire and fury”. My concern is that humans who believe in you are also big fans of this manmade bible, and its ending section reads a bit like a prophecy, one that may become self-fulfilling without divine intervention.

To be honest, you’ve let a lot slide with the human race lately. The Taiping Rebellion, the Second World War, the Emoji Movie. I think it’s time for a more hands-on approach. So, my advice to you, God, is that you seriously consider putting a stop to this US-North Korea conflict. Both Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un claim to believe in you, and to be doing “your” work. If I was you, I’d get off your cloud and get them thoroughly telt. These aren’t your run-of-the-mill megalomaniacs, they are false idols armed to the teeth with atomic weaponry capable of exterminating humans in unfathomable numbers. Furthermore, America has deployed such nuclear armaments before, and that was back when their leadership seemed to have a rudimentary reading level above that of Spot the Dog.

I know you’ve gone down the eradicating humanity road in the past, and the less said about “the flood incident” the better. However, I also know that you’ve moved on from your destructive phase and fully understand that wiping out mankind will never allow us to reach our full potential. For every Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, there are a thousand good humans determined to make the world a better place. All we ask is that you give us a chance, and save us from these tubby demons with silly haircuts and nuclear bombs
Yours
Angry