THOSE of you who tuned into BBC documentary The Papers on Wednesday night will have got an insight into the blood, sweat and swearing that goes into producing this paper.
I certainly found it illuminating. As a lowly (did somebody say lazy?) columnist I’ve got a cushy gig in comparison. Sure, The National staff benefit from the camaraderie and intellectual buzz of the newsroom, but I get to write in my pyjamas, so who is the real winner here?
Still, watching my colleagues working their arses off to produce these pages got me thinking. I need to up my game a bit. Go the extra mile. Make sure that I earn my place at the Christmas party.
Which is why I’m incorporating some razzle dazzle into my Saturday column this week. Readers, I am delighted to announce that we will be kicking things off with a QUIZ.
For 10 points, can you tell me who tweeted the following on September 22, 2014?
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“Can there be another indy referendum anytime soon? Unless the constitutional facts change (eg UK withdrawal from EU), no. *If* there is such a vote, *if* the UK votes to leave but Scotland votes to stay, the pressure for indyref2 will be immense.”
Who, you ask, is this Mystic Meg in our ranks? Who predicted the current constitutional predicament that Scotland finds itself in?
Well done to those of you who guessed correctly. It was none other than the Tory MSP Adam Tomkins. You may know Adam from hits such as No Mandate (remix), Say No To Indyref2” and his most recent single, Don’t Go Breakin’ My Union.
How curious, then, that we’ve witnessed three years of spittle-splattered denials from the Scottish Tories about the patently bloody obvious material change in circumstances since the No vote in 2014.
It’s not just that they’ve denied the logic and necessity of indyref2 since the Brexit vote. The quandary they now find themselves in is that they have said LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE. The robots in tweed have monotoned through every interview, speech and debate with the same line.
Journalist: “So tell me, what is the Scottish Conservative policy on tackling child poverty?”
Robo-Tory: “Say no to indyref2!”
Journalist: “And how would you improve social care?”
Robo-Tory: “Say no to indyref2!”
Journalist: “How do you respond to the dark money claims?”
Robo-Tory: “Say no to indyref2!”
Although I can’t be the only one to have noticed a change in approach in recent weeks. It started around the time that Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, and polls started showing a majority were in favour of independence; when Professor John Curtice began popping up on our TVs and in our dreams to throw cold water on the Unionist myth that “there is no appetite in Scotland for indyref2”.
That’s when we saw something shift among Unionist parties – a moment of brutal clarity that just because they keep SAYING Scotland doesn’t want indyref2 doesn’t make it true. You wonder what took them so fecking long, but at least we got there in the end.
Because now, you’ll have noticed, the chat isn’t about whether indyref2 will happen. Nor even when. The Unionist conversation has switched to one topic and one topic only: what trickery they can use to impact the vote.
There have been a few suggestions. One is requiring a super-majority of 60% for independence to be valid – because nothing screams “the majority want to remain in the Union!” more than “we’re just going to add another 10% on to that finishing line, ta”.
The franchise, too, is being cautiously questioned. As though EU nationals and New Scots haven’t been treated badly enough, let’s strip them of their vote and then moan to Nicola Sturgeon at FMQs that she isn’t doing enough to attract immigrants to Scotland. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went for the full conglomeration of f***kery (© Richard Walker)and argued with a straight face that young people should be forced to sit this one out too. And lefties. And the Greens. And anybody who has been caught within 50 meters of a Saltire in the past five years.
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And then, of course, is the question – the idiotic and wilfully destructive suggestion that we should switch Yes and No for Remain and Leave, in the hope that the toxic mess of the EU referendum will poison and confuse Scotland’s referendum.
This, of course, is all academic. While Adam Tomkins and Murdo Fraser might take pleasure from airing their unconstitutional fantasies on Twitter for all to see, it’s nothing more than a fairytale.
Their party has no influence and no credibility in Scotland. And like the Ugly Sisters cramming their bleeding toes into the glass slipper and angrily denying the existence of Cinderella, Tomkins and Fraser are deluding themselves – especially if they think that after the past five years of UK Government chaos, Scotland is going to sit back while they play their tricks.
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Callum Baird, Editor of The National
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