THE Diary has an entirely subjective and twisted approach when it comes to deciding which country to favour during major international tournaments. This has been honed over two decades of Scotland failing to reach these events. For most of this period, we’ve always backed Ireland – whenever they have featured –followed by England and then perhaps Brazil, because, well … they’re Brazil. We admire Argentina because of Diego Maradona, Mario Kempes and Lionel Messi, but also because you’ve got to like any country that possesses clubs such as Newell’s Old Boys and Defensa y Justicia.

We’ve never much liked Germany at the World Cup after they traumatised our 10-year-old self in 1974 by beating Johan Cruyff’s gorgeous Dutch side. Our hostility to the Germans deepened when they conned their way to the most boring final ever against Argentina in 1990. Recently though, we’ve warmed to them a little because they are just so bloody good.

We’ve never really fancied the French either: they tend to get too pleased with themselves and Thierry Henry is an insufferable fud. We’d like to back some of the Asian nations but their regimes have a nasty habit of beheading women and hanging gay people. Some of the African nations fall into this category too.

Ethically, you could do worse than the South American nations because they love their football and their people have had such a hard time with corrupt regimes, drug wars and the CIA. The Nordic nations bring little to these competitions (apart from when Henrik Larsson was playing for Sweden) and Switzerland still has too many questions to answer about Nazi war loot for our liking.

Despite being brilliant Spain, has lost much of its lustre since it made our own Clara Ponsati a fugitive from justice. Too many Croats, Serbs and Russians meanwhile, have questionable attitudes to black footballers. This leaves Belgium, Poland and Mexico.

The Belgians probably just edge out Poland in the ethical vote owing to recent Nazi tendencies we’ve detected at some Polish grounds. This year though, we’re going for Mexico; their fans all seem as contento como Larrenzo and it would be a massive GIRFUY to Donald Trump. All said, though, it’s about time Scotland just got their fingers out their arses and started qualifying again.

English media make indy case

THE English media’s restraint before last night’s win against Tunisia was shattered in spectacular fashion.

A three-minute segment on the BBC imagined the scenes if they were actually to win the World Cup: the commemorative stamps and £10 notes; the public holiday; the endorsements; John Stones-henge; the queen on the palace balcony recreating VE-Day. And all before the 9pm watershed.

I wanted England to do well in Russia; now I’m desperate for them to win the cup.

For, if that BBC sequence is any indicator of what will follow, then Scotland will be independent before the year is out.

Throwing a party

LITTLE of anything remotely interesting emerged from the England camp ahead of last night’s opening game against Tunisia. Journalists have thus become transfixed by a darts competition between the players and the media. So far, updates have appeared on the BBC News at Six, the News at Ten, the One Show and even the esteemed Victoria Derbyshire morning show. I have a plan for our English neighbours. With each passing World Cup, England’s chances diminish as the cashrich Premier League squeezes out its top players in favour of more skilful continental ones.

I’d sort out some sponsorship of the English training camp darts tournament and sell the viewing rights. I’d then open it up to celebrities and invite teams from other competing nations.

Over time this could become a major sporting event in itself and, what’s more, England would always be in with a chance of winning it. This would do wonders for English self-esteem and take the edge of the disappointing campaigns that lie in wait. The only risk is that the Dutch will probably invent an expansive “total darts” style of arrow-throwing under the tutelage of the great Raymond van Barneveld and we’ll all be playing catch-up again.

Our top 10 chibs

WHAT’S happened to all the great rammies and acts of thuggery: that’s what we want to know.

A wretched combination of good refereeing and a zero-tolerance approach to violence and mayhem seem to have consigned all onfield hooliganism to the history-books.

So, in a nostalgic tribute to the great chib merchants of yesteryear we’re compiling a list of our top 10 violent incidents in World Cup history over the course of the next four weeks.

Coming straight in at number 10 is that memorable game during Italia 90 between Cameroon and Argentina. As it entered the final minute, with the Africans leading 1-0, the fleet-footed Argentine Claudio Caniggia made a dash for goal chased by about half the Cameroonians. Three of them had a go at the striker before Benjamin Massing finally connected with a mighty kick that rattled Caniggia’s rib-cage.

So hard was Massing’s tackle that he lost a boot in the process. He then proceeded to kick a protesting Argentine, even as the referee was reaching for his red card. It was the sheer joyful insouciance of the assault that caught the Diary’s eye.