THE Diary was pleased that it only took Sir Alan Sugar one whole hour to make a heartfelt apology for his “humorous” tweet about Senegal’s World Cup side. Sir Alan seemed to think that by associating a great African nation’s young athletes with the hawkers on many continental beaches that he was being funny. It was about as funny as Iran’s goal against Scotland in the 1978 World Cup.
Perhaps our Britannic Majesty now ought to be demanding her government to be a little choosier in the people it sends to her to receive a royal tap on the shoulder. Sir Alan’s mocking of poor black people and disregard for the circumstances that force them to ply their trades in Europe’s millionaires’ playgrounds took the heat off the recent conduct of Sir Christopher Chope, one of his fellow knights of the realm, Sir Christopher blocked a law that would have criminalised the practise of upskirting. These two are fine adverts for the great British honours system and must make all those recipients of these empty gongs very proud of joining such a noble order.
Incidentally, if you’re looking for a fun World Cup wager then you could do worse than try to predict how far England’s World Cup squad will be required to progress in the tournament before they are invited to Buckingham Palace. England’s cricket team were showered with honours simply for beating one country in 2005 after years of abject failure. This was in a sport that the vast majority of the world’s population has never heard of. Based on this I’m predicting memberships of England’s ancient orders will start to be scattered if England reach the last eight of a genuine international tournament.
Western stereotypes
SIR Alan’s initial claim that his Senegal tweet was really only a joke might have carried more resonance if he’d backed it up with similar examples of national stereotypes in the affluent west. I expect the daft wee knight is no stranger to the rarefied delights of Switzerland.
Thus, he could have portrayed the Swiss national team standing in front of assorted precision time pieces or perhaps facsimiles of the looted Nazi treasures that adorned the insides of their bank vaults. Or how about the England side made up to look like Hector the Taxman, complete with pencil moustache, to salute their capital city’s status as the money-laundering capital of the world?
Or he could have photo-shopped the entire Spanish team in yellow football tops instead of their trademark red. This would have highlighted the historic actions of the Madrid government in its struggle to suppress Catalan nationhood. Thus they became the first country in modern history to criminalise an entire colour by banning Catalans from wearing anything deemed to be an insidious use of yellow.
Top delinquents no.9
CONTINUING our countdown to the most gloriously epic example of World Cup delinquency we arrive at Number Nine. We’re cheating a little here as this example didn’t actually occur during a World Cup finals tournament but in a crucial qualifier. And if we’re being honest, it’s also an excuse to make Scotland feel included. We refer to the game between West Germany and Scotland in Hamburg on October 22, 1969. Scotland narrowly lost 3-2 to the beaten World Cup finalists of 1966 and the team that would reach the semi-finals in Mexico in 1970. Scotland’s heroics were overshadowed though by Celtic’s great full-back Tommy Gemmell who exacted summary corporal punishment on Germany’s Helmut Haller. The midfielder had interrupted Gemmell’s majestic progress with a sleekit ankle tap. This enraged Gemmell so much that he chased the German all over the pitch before booting him up the arse. The YouTube video of these sacred moments is thoroughly recommended. Just key in any combination of the words “Gemmell” “jacksie” and “Germany”…
Ally for the final!
IS your World Cup Diary alone in thinking that Ally McCoist is playing a blinder as a match summariser for ITV? In a tournament where Britain’s television pundits are chosen for their banality and their avoidance of anything remotely interesting, McCoist has been a beacon of enlightenment and has dovetailed well with the English commentator Jon Champion. The pair is unique in televised football double acts: they actually appear to enjoy the sport; they are well-informed about the current players and the game’s history; they possess a sense of humour and they don’t act all wide by mocking the errors of lesser-able players. They do not patronise the viewers. In short, they are everything commentators and pundits like Clive Tyldesley and Mark Lawrenson are not. Today marks the start of our campaign to have this pair on duty for the World Cup final itself.
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