I’VE just read about a woman from Paisley who was locked in a tanning salon after she fell asleep on a sunbed. It’s just as well the sunbeds only run for the length of time you pay for as the scene the next day could have been much more harrowing than just a sweaty, unwashed bed.
Some poor lassie could have opened the shop up in the morning to find the charred, smoking remains of this poor Paisley woman on a sunbed. Fried to death – what a way to go. She’s said to have been woken up by the sound of the staff setting the alarm and then had to escape via the fire exit, no doubt absolutely mortified.
It was always a dream of mine when I was a wee guy to get locked in a massive JJB Sports that was near my house. It had a basketball court in the middle of the shop and I’d fantasise about going full Michael Jordan in it while trying on the latest football strips and trainers. Getting locked in a sunbed shop must rank quite low in the league table of good places to get locked in overnight. Unless of course you’re Tommy Sheridan.
Gonny no dae that
ANOTHER news story from this week that caught my attention was the tale of two men working at Bellingshausen Station, a Russian research station on King George Island, 120km off the coast of Antarctica. One of the men, engineer Sergey Savitsky, attacked his colleague, welder Oleg Belogusov, with a knife in the station’s tea room.
Sergey’s motivation for this? Well, on a research base in the Antarctic, there’s no much to do. No much to keep yourself occupied with apart from your work.
Sergey, it appears, is a big reader and yer man Oleg seems to be the ultimate wind-up merchant. A man truly dedicated to banter. The unstoppable force of man who just wants to have a laugh met an immovable object in the shape of Sergey the reader.
In a scene straight out of Chewin’ The Fat, reminiscent of the two lighthouse keepers, Oleg took it upon himself to spoil perhaps the only thing keeping Sergey going. The one escape he had from the bitterly cold weather, isolation and monotony of life in an Antarctic research station. Oleg would tell Sergey how the books he was reading ended while Sergey was only half way through them.
It seems Oleg did this one too many times before Sergey snapped and stabbed him in the chest. Oleg is thankfully going to be okay while Sergey has now been placed under house arrest. Unconfirmed reports suggest Sergey shouted: “Didnae see that comin, did ye?!” as he plunged the knife into Oleg’s heart right after he’d spoiled the ending of Fight Club for him.
Stately reassurance
THERESA May has refused to guarantee that the NHS will have enough medicines in the event of a no-deal Brexit, which absolutely does not sound terrifying in the slightest.
The Prime Minister insisted she was working for a “good” divorce with the EU but sounded very much like a man being dumped by his wife and ejected from the family home because she’s fed up of his constant shite. She added that the government was making “responsible contingency decisions” which, much like the aforementioned divorced man, will include stocking up on Pot Noodles.
City at centre stage
Glasgow has been chosen as the home of a new Channel 4 “creative hub” which will bring a welcome boost to the creative scene in the city. Everyone’s favourite uncle, Stuart Cosgrove, headed up Glasgow’s bid and the big man did a stellar job in convincing/scaring the Channel 4 bigwigs into expanding their horizons beyond London.
Here’s hoping we can uncover the next, non-transphobic, Graham Linehan. Maybe we’ll also get to see a Scottish version of Black Mirror featuring a world of total surveillance where Greggs workers can no longer claim there’s “a wee bit of heat” in the ice cold steak bakes.
Claptrap
A WOMAN from Ayrshire also tried to trick her boyfriend into thinking he had contracted chlamydia “for a laugh”. Shaun was in the hospital getting some blood tests done so, for a laugh, Samantha changed her name in his phone to “NHS NO REPLY” and sent him a text saying his blood tests had shown up that he’d contracted the STD.
“It was supposed to just be a practical joke, I’d send him it and watch him panic then laugh and tell him it was me,” Samantha said.
The battery on Shaun’s phone died before he received the text and he went to bed. When Samantha arrived home from work the next day, Shaun had moved back to his maw’s and blocked Samantha from contacting him and even booked himself an appointment at the Sandyford Clinic to get his “chlamydia” sorted, blaming his girlfriend for giving him “the clap”.
Tremendous patter all round.
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