Buckle up for the mother of all Tory leadership contests!

It’s time for a clash of the titans, a battle of the big beasts, a thrrrrilling spectacle the likes of which the world has never seen. Prepare to gasp, to swoon, to jab your foam fingers in the air for the SCOTTISH TORY LEADERSHIP CONTEST!!!

With Ruth “The Momma” Davidson bowing out of the ring just as the Mother of all Parliaments is due to close its doors (but definitely not because of that – just a strrrrrrange coincidence, folks!), there’s only one place to be for political entertainment this autumn.

MPs might be locked out of the House of Commons, but their frowns will soon be turned upside down by access-all-areas passes for the WWE showdown coming to Holyrood. Yes, this Woefully Weak Embarrassment has something for everyone – white men, naked ambition, raw talent and overcooked campaign slogans.

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Behold the mighty power of these saviours of the universe (or at least the Union) as they wrestle for supremacy and the chance to rebrand the Ruth Davidson Against Indyref2 Party.

Who will be locked in a chokehold and pinned to the mat? Which of our plucky candidates will end up strung up on a clothesline from hell? Most importantly, who will emerge as the bruised but brave new leader of the That Guy Whose Name You Can’t Quite Remember Against Indyref2 Party?

There’s only one way to find out. Buckle up, folks – it’s going to be one helluva ride.

The bookies fancy Murdo Fraser ... but does that mean much?

In the royal blue corner is Murdo “Comeback Kid” Fraser, who opposes independence for Scotland but reckons the Scottish Conservatives should break away from that embarrassing bunch down south. Has his time finally come? Are the Scottish Tories now officially so ashamed to be Tories that they will embrace his prophetic vision? Known for his tenacity, he hasn’t let constituency defeats in the 1999, 2003 or 2007 Holyrood elections (or the 1997 or 2001 General Elections) dent his swagger. Signature move: The Queen’s Crossbow.

In the sky blue corner we have Jackson “The Caretaker” Carlaw, fresh from his stint as acting Scottish Tory leader during Davidson’s maternity leave. He was full of fighting talk back in June, saying Boris Johnson had “a hell of a lot [to do to] prove to me and to the country that he is the right man for the job”. Will he be so bold now that the man in charge has demonstrated he’s exactly the right man for the job of UK dictator? Could the stage be set for a battle of the blondes? Or will The Caretaker prefer to slip discreetly out of the ring and fade into the background?

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He might have written the book on the British constitution (actually, a few books), but that hasn’t stopped Adam “The Prof” Tomkins branding anyone with entirely legitimate concerns about this week’s coup hysterical. Stepping in to tweet about Johnson’s move to suspend parliament for five weeks – presumably because Davidson simply could not be arsed any more – he declared there would be “plenty of time” for MPs to vote on a hypothetical new deal with the EU.

So will the legal boffin have plenty of time to train for a showdown with his formidable leadership rivals? Just five years ago he wrote that there was “little real danger of the UK leaving the EU”, so his risk assessment skills appear somewhat lacking. With those powers of perception, don’t expect him to see a gut-wrench powerbomb coming.

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Perhaps what this contest needs is some fresh blood, and who better to provide it than Miles “The Questioner” Briggs, warming up in the baby blue corner? Young Briggs has plenty of combat experience, having gone several rounds in the FMQs ring and each time managing to put himself on the ropes. Whether it’s claiming the NHS in England is better funded than that in Scotland, or scare-mongering about the safety of baby boxes, the Lothian MSP never quite seems to have a full grasp of the facts. So would he be capable of grasping any opponents firmly around the waist and slamming them to the floor? It’s doubtful.

Lastly, in the duck-egg blue corner, we have Donald “Who?” Cameron, the shadow cabinet secretary for the rural economy. Not to be confused with the invisible man, David Cameron, who got us into this mess, the Highlands and Islands MSP is only semi-opaque. Is now the time to make Donalds great again? Could our man in the north grab the limelight and wow the crowds with a bold sequence of double axe handle, forearm chop and reverse battering ram?

Writing in The Herald in May, Cameron said that the UK was “in desperate need of a visionary leader who can heal the country, by building bridges both internally and externally”. That worked out well. But what if Big D is the man to build these bridges, rather than seeking to smack down opponents?

Let’s see what he has to say about rethinking the role of the state in society. Writing on the Conservative Home website, he said this should start by “acknowledging that – yes – society does indeed exist. For Conservatives, it starts with a recognition that we on the centre-right have sometimes got the balance wrong. Too often, conservatives are seen as all abacus and no heart.”

Wait a minute – honesty? Heart? From a Scottish Tory? Watch out, Donald, there’s a knee-drop bulldog coming your way.