IF you thought the debate over whether to keep the EU flag flying outside Holyrood was the peak angry point for MSPs this week, you’d be wrong.
As our parliamentarians gathered for First Minister’s Questions on Thursday, they clearly weren’t enjoying our countdown to Brexit day as much as Farage and his merry band of eejits have been.
Jackson Carlaw asked the First Minister for a statement next week on why the Scottish government is "failing to meet its own targets to improve education in Scotland’s most deprived schools."
Nicola Sturgeon replied that she’s "always happy for the government to give statements on the work we’re doing to improve education." And then they were off.
It was time for Sturgeon/Carlaw bingo. If we turned their predictable interactions into a drinking game, there would perhaps be more of an incentive to sit through them.
"Attainment fund!" said the First Minister.
"Botched Curriculum for Excellence!" replied Jackson Carlaw.
"It’s right that we set challenging targets!" said the First Minister.
"FAILING GOVERNENT!" screeched Jackson Carlaw.
"Exam passes going UP!" shouted the First Minister. "SPIN AND DENIAL!" boomed Jackson Carlaw. "I will not stand here while Jackson Carlaw talks down education in Scotland!" said the First Minister.
Well that was fun, guys. Same time next week, aye?
Warmed up from her stint with Carlaw, Nicola Sturgeon all but did a happy dance when Richard Leonard stood up to ask about PFI contracts.
"I can’t believe Richard Leonard has the BRASS NECK to stand up here and talk about PFI" she said.
By the glum look on the faces of his backbenchers, neither could they.
Oh ye of little faith though – because Richard Leonard had brought a PROP.
"I anticipated last night how the First Minister would respond to my first question." he said, gleefully.
Leonard went on to read an extract from a report he wrote 25 years ago and the chamber – if not the entire nation – was enthralled.
"PFI is something of a con trick. Predicated on a buy now, pay later mirage. It is a mirage because the taxpayer or the user will simply pay more in the end."
On and on – and on – he went, reading out his wee report until MSPs could feign interest no longer. Like when somebody tells you about the dream they had last night and you have to pretend to care.
The heckling began and even the max-volume style of Leonard was no match for the disgruntled MSPs.
Zen Ken was unhappy at the screeching and pleaded with MSPs to quieten down.
"There is an unacceptable level of noise - I’m sorry - but we should treat each other with respect in this chamber. Less of the barracking."
Which is Ken Macintosh-speak for "You are acting like wild animals- CALM THE F*CK DOWN!"
Nicola Sturgeon got to her feet to respond, smiling as she did so – which is never a good sign for whichever poor sod it is she is replying to.
"Richard Leonard - bless - wrote a report twenty-five years ago. Isn’t it a real shame that the Labour governments that followed in the years after that IGNORED EVERYTHING Richard Leonard said? It took an SNP government to act on the things that he said! Capping the profits on projects! Ensuring the surplus goes back into the public sector!"
Tongue firmly in cheek, the First Minister then apologised to the presiding officer for the length of her answer, saying "Sorry, I’m just enjoying myself too much here."
At least somebody was.
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