10 things that changed my life: Des Clarke, comedian and presenter

WHEN I saw him it had a massive effect on me and I didn’t realise how much at the time because I was a kid.

Watching this hilarious furball, a very hairy, tall, lanky man come on the screen and be funny in my accent was a magical thing.

Growing up in Glasgow and to see someone like Connolly, who was funny to people all over the world, was a way of showing me that someone from my background can do that.

We didn’t have much in the way of comedians on the telly but Connolly was always on and I loved how, whatever the subject matter, he made it interesting and made you want to listen to him.

He was sort of like a funny Scottish David Attenborough; I wouldn’t normally want to watch a programme about the polar ice caps but if Attenborough is doing it, I’m there. It’s the same with Connolly ... he’s taking you on a tour of places you might never visit, or never want to go, but the fact that you’re doing it through his eyes draws you right in and takes you there.

That planted a little seed in my head at that age that this would be an amazing thing to do. I never picked it up till much later and I always remembered Connolly saying something about how he was impressed by Chic Murray using his own accent and it was something similar that happened for me.

2) The Gorbals

I HAVE always believed that where you are from shapes your future and I am proud to have grown up in the Gorbals in the centre of Glasgow.

I was born in the early 80s, people look back and say they were tough times ... and they were. I grew up in the high flats, in what we now know as a scheme, but I just remember happy times because you had nothing to compare it to.

I lived 21 floors up and what a view you had of the city! The window for me was like television. As a child I would look out and do little stories in my head as I watched the wee people below and I would be thinking what’s he doing or where is she going, how do they know each other, or what’s happening in their house tonight?

I was starting to observe and it allowed that creativity you have as a kid to grow as you play with things and invent stories. But for me it wasn’t toy soldiers – my toys were there outside the window.

There was another block of high flats opposite and watching those windows was like having your own advent calendar of fun because you would see different people in different windows and wondered what they were doing. Maybe I was just me being a nosey bastard, I don’t know, but it taught me to observe because you could see everything.

From our back window you could see Glasgow Green where the big concerts – Wet Wet Wet and Michael Jackson – were held, the fireworks on bonfire night and football fans walking to Hampden. I always thought you could see the whole world from up there.

3) Holyrood Secondary School Talent Show

IN the film of my life this would be a key scene. I was 12 and I went from a very small primary to the biggest state school in Scotland and managed to go through my first year without really being noticed all.

Then me and my pal Paul McGroarty decided to enter the talent show. To give this some context, the school had produced the likes of Travis, Simple Minds and Frankie Boyle.

So it has done all right for turning out people who make a career out of performing and the talent show was a big event – 600 folk in the Assembly Hall, 450 seated and the rest standing, with a judging panel of teachers First years never entered because of the risk of humiliation. It was always the sixth-year band that would win, or somebody singing a musical number. Me and my pals used to do funny voices and wee impressions among ourselves. Miraculously, we got through the audition to the main performance.

That was the first time that I was ever on a stage in front of an audience. I have never been so nervous. It was like an out-of-body experience. I remember doing Chris Eubank, Frank Spencer, Rab C Nesbitt.

To cut to the chase we won, and no first years had ever won before. Winning the show changed everything because I went from being the boy who was hardly noticed to suddenly being popular.

4) Edinburgh Fringe

THIS is the World Cup of comedy. A footballer wants to play in a World Cup. A comedian wants to perform on the Fringe. The first time I went there it was an official school trip to see a performance of The Crucible. Then next year me and my mate went by ourselves to see the comedy – Tim Vine (left), I remember.

It may have changed but people from Glasgow didn’t go much to Edinburgh and people from Edinburgh didn’t go to Glasgow. So for a boy from Glasgow going to the east was quite an adventure to experience the buzz, and see people on stage having already had a little seed planted in my head that one day I could give this a go.

I did my first stand-up gig at the age of 19 in the Blackfriars pub in Glasgow and a few months later, with hundreds of others, entered a competition called So You Think You’re Funny, sponsored by Channel 4, at the Gilded Balloon in the Cowgate, Edinburgh. I didn’t win but I was delighted to be named runner-up.

I thought getting to the final was an unbelievable achievement. The host of the final was Graham Norton, one of my fellow finalists was Russell Brand, and I was only 19 and part of the biggest arts festival in the world being held in my own country. When I got on the stage that night I felt the support from the audience and it’s a feeling I’ll never be able to describe but it’s why I go back every year. There’s nothing like it.

5) 2014 Commonwealth Games

WHEN Glasgow hosted the games I was part of both the opening ceremony at Celtic Park and the closing ceremony at Hampden Park. They were broadcast to a global audience of more than one billion – a side-effect of which is to suddenly find yourself big in places like Uganda.

I have never been prouder of my city and my country and the way they handled the occasion. We were following on from the London Olympics in 2012 but while they may have had the bigger budget, Glasgow showed itself to have the bigger heart.

Even the sunny weather showed up on cue. My pride in the job was immense because Glasgow was being presented at its very best and it was a shame it all had to end and we had to step down from the world stage.

When I introduced Kylie at a packed Hampden to bring down the final curtain I had an idea in my head of what I might say as we got ready to see the baton for the 2018 games passed to the Gold Coast in Australia. Nothing was scripted as we agreed to keep it real and natural in keeping with the spirit of the games as they were played out in front of us.

6) Panto

I WENT to my first pantomime when I was a wide-eyed seven-year-old at the King’s Theatre in Glasgow.

It was a classic Cinderella with all the trappings; the ugly sisters, Buttons, the pumpkin coach. I was immediately enthralled and, to this day, I still go when I can during panto season.

At that first show it was like switching from a black and white TV to full colour I was transfixed by the costumes, the wigs, the make-up.

Of course, inspired by my younger self, I have been a panto star and have promised myself I will go back to it at some point.

I have worked with all the greats, witnessed how they can effortlessly work an audience and have them helpless with laughter.

And it all comes from the memory of that little boy with his jaw on the floor and his imagination in flight, loving every second as Cinderella beats the odds and goes to the ball.

7) Beat 106 Radio

I THOUGHT they must have contacted the wrong person when I answered the call from the radio station asking me if I might be available to interview for a new breakfast show aimed at listeners in central Scotland.

They had seen me do stand-up and thought my kind of stuff would transfer to this new show.

I was 21 at the time and I had no interest or desire to get into radio but the interview progressed into a demo and when I put on the big headphones all I could think of was that I had been turned into Alan Partridge.

I got the gig and was with Beat 106 for more than two and a half years, then I moved onto Capital Radio for the next 11 years and am now with Heart Drivetime. I could not imagine my life without radio being in it. I am one of those lucky people being paid for doing something I love.

8) Flying

AN easyJet plane from Glasgow to London Stansted was my first flight. I was 17 and had won a school essay-writing competition at school and, alongside my parents, we were on our way to collect my prize. I was buzzing with excitement to get off the ground.

Most of my friends of the same age had been to Spain for their holidays but the Clarkes' family holidays had always been on the road and the ferry to Ireland so flying was a brand-new experience.

It made me realise I wanted to travel and see places around the world.

Once I had an income I wanted to go to different cities and other countries. And my career has taken be to many places since; Los Angeles, New York City, Dubai, Australia.

Scotland will always be my home, I will always be coming back, but that first taste of flying taught me there was a whole other world out there and you can never learn enough about the people and places.

9) Ant and Dec

WHEN Ant and Dec quit as hosts of a Saturday morning network television show called SMTV the hunt began for a replacement, and a former agent of mine stuck a tape in.

Cutting a long story short, they were looking for somebody who could do a bit of presenting, comedy sketches, had a regional accent, and the options narrowed down and they came to me.

Within a month I was on the telly hosting this hugely popular show. I met the guys when they came in to do an anniversary special and I was really nervous of what they might think of me. They were great guys though, very supportive. They gave me some sound advice: they will want to change you, change your look, change your accent – don’t let them. I’ve stuck to it ever since.

10) Learning to drive

I GOT round to driving lessons late in life, at 37. Most people I know learned as teenagers, when confidence and self-belief are high and no obstacle is too daunting.

When I was younger I never had the interest or the co-ordination to get behind a steering wheel. It was at the stage in my life when you fully understand fear and consequences that I decided to learn new skills and make a real effort to get my overdue driving licence.

Up until that point I was the king of public transport and Glasgow taxi drivers were telling me ‘don’t do it Des’ because they were putting their kids through school on the strength of my taxi bills.

When the BBC heard I couldn’t drive they asked what else I had never bothered to learn to do at my age; swim and go a bike was the answer. So these became my three challenges for Sport Relief Triathlon 2018.

The swimming was the hardest one because I have a phobia about water but I managed to swim in Loch Ness and cross the Border on the River Tweed. I had Sir Chris Hoy showing me how to stay on a bike and I drove a dual-control cab with First Minister Nicola Sturgeon in the back.

She was a non-driver herself, so she understood where I was coming from. I survived all three challenges and made some money for charity. I can now say confidently that I can go a bike, that I am still on a journey with the swimming as it remains a bit ropey and that, after a lot of lessons, I passed my driving test first time and am now a fully-fledged and co-ordinated motorist.