COMEDIAN Janey Godley has given National readers a sneak peak at her cover letter for her application to be No 10’s spokeswoman.
DEAR Mr Boris,
I hear you are looking for someone to hire someone who can explain you hiding in fridges for £100k, and I just want say I can do that.
I have been married for 40 years and know stuff about explaining really bad ideas and presenting them to the family as good ideas.
Like the time I told everyone that me going alone to New Zealand for a month was beneficial to not only my comedy career, but to the people of New Zealand as well. My family bought it and I got a wee solo holiday and met nice people. Also, my eyesight is perfect and I don’t fancy Barnard Castle as a destination city.
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I can communicate with the nation as I have done with my viral voiceovers of the First Minister of Scotland and I have a pal called Frank who is really good at manning all the doors. As a Glasgow woman, I can take every single piece of bad news and spin it into “cracking ideas” – for instance, when the Tories reinstated benefit sanctions during the pandemic, I could have spun that as “we are checking to see who is sick and who can’t commit to lockdown” and when you said “we don’t need face masks” then you decided to make them mandatory, I could have presented that as “Look, face masks are also good for hay fever” and that would have equally worked with the people.
I also could be on the phone daily to update and help the Scottish Tories' outreach branch, to remind them not use the words like “PUT THE BOOT IN” when speaking about independence supporters and get the team up here to be more approachable by organising a croquet/cheese and wine event with you in attendance. Hence bonding you and the Scottish people together.
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You could let me run your Twitter account. I have some brilliant ideas about a poster competition for when Mr Trump comes back to Scotland. Also, I could show him and you around the more interesting parts of Glasgow to give you an authentic taste of the people. I am a great host.
As an ex-smoker, I also know the backdoor exits of most official buildings in Edinburgh.
You should defo hire me Mr Boris, I know all the lingo, and imagine me standing at every podium giving the nation “my version” of your words. I also can do some nifty hand signals.
Your future spokesperson,
Janey
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