THE rambling speech that Boris Johnson inflicted on a group of bemused school pupils on Wednesday was a handy reminder of why you should never mistake a posh accent for intellect.

The 11-year-olds from Leicester were the poor souls chosen to take part in the Prime Minister’s latest ill-judged PR exercise. In a bid to convince the media and public that his government is prepared for schools re-opening in England in September, he chose what he thought would be a friendly audience.

One of the wonderful things about children is that their facial expressions aren’t subject to a politeness filter. When Johnson went off-script, you could tell exactly what they were thinking.

“You’ll remember these days and weeks and months, you really, really will. And when you have been struggling with something in the classroom or whatever, some concept that you cannot get, like the supine stem of confetti or nuclear fusion or is Harry Potter sexist? Answer: no, by the way. Is it politically acceptable to sing Rule Britannia? Yes…”

Scottish schools have already returned and thankfully Boris Johnson fled the country before subjecting our schoolkids to this sort of self-aggrandising word-vomit.

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While most parents are relieved that their children are being taught by qualified professionals again, it’s not been without its challenges.

The dreaded back-to-school bugs are doing the rounds and provoking more anxiety than they did in pre-coronavirus times.

Parents are acting with understandable caution and this has led to a massive increase in requests for testing since schools re-opened. Commenting on the figures Nicola Sturgeon said: “Last week alone, just short of 17,500 young people between two and 17 were tested. That is a very significant number, but the key point I want to make from that is that of those, only 49 tested positive. That is a positivity rate of 0.3%.”

After being criticised for “technical issues” which meant some people seeking a test were asked to travel hundreds of miles to attend a testing facility, Nicola Sturgeon announced that testing capacity will be expanded and new testing centres will be opened.

It’s easy to forget what a Petri dish of germs schools are when they’ve been closed for so long.

I was delighted when my daughter came home from her first day back at school with tales of the new friends she had made and a rave review of her new teacher (“I was worried he would be the WORST teacher ever but he’s actually the BEST teacher ever!”).

I was less pleased later on in the week when she arrived home with an all-too-familiar runny nose and the general air of crabbitness that accompanies it.

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Her school is reassuringly militant when it comes to hand-washing, but kids will be kids. During lockdown she watched the First Minister’s daily briefings with me. She could recite the rules. She would recite the rules – loudly – if she deemed somebody was standing a bit too close to her in a shop. I started to wonder how I’d given birth to a pocket-sized authoritarian. Now she’s back at school and the delights and rituals of playtime socialising supersede any fears she may have had about Nicola Sturgeon giving her a row.

Earlier this week she announced, sheepishly, that she’d done something I’d asked her not to do. That’s not a sentence you want to hear from a child who, during her first week of nursery, engaged in what the teacher described as “water vandalism”.

I checked to see if there was any new artwork on the walls of our rented flat. I gave her hair a quick once-over to see if she’d hacked off bits with the craft scissors again.

All clear.

Solemnly, she unzipped her pencil case and fished out a blob of beige-coloured goo from inside. Before schools re-opened I’d reminded her that because of the global pandemic, she would have to resist the urge to pass her lip balm around for her pals to use. I suggested that the “playtime feast” routine – where her gang divide (with great precision and an emphasis on equality) their snacks to share – isn’t the best idea just now.

But some things are too hard to resist which is why I found myself looking down at a blob of goo and wondering where it had come from and whether it would become one of those disgusting yet sentimental things that she insist we keep for posterity.

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The unidentifiable blob was apparently presented to her by a boy she befriended. She was aware of the school’s new rules about sharing possessions (which surely must extend to goo) but when a new pal gives you such a kind gift, it would be rude to refuse on the grounds of a deadly virus.

Speaking of unwanted goo that serves no purpose, Boris Johnson should take note of the sharp increase in demand for testing in Scotland since schools re-opened. Where there are children, there will inevitably be coughs, sniffles and bugs galore.

He needs to make sure that England’s testing capacity can meet the inevitable surge in demand when their schools return next month.