Behind the scenes in Whitehall as the Tories scramble for Union-saving ideas ...

THE PM came to visit us in the briefing room this morning and told us we had to start pulling up our socks or we could wave Scotland goodbye. “Ah, some good news at last,” I whispered to Emily at Transport. She registered not the remotest hint of a smile.

Boris was in full cry and seemed to be channelling his inner Mel Gibson in Trainspotting. “So, there you have it; the Jocks are revolting once again and we need to, um, show them that, um, we jolly well appreciate them for what they are.” Then he described how, on his last visit to Scotland, he’d used his Latin to illustrate Scotland and England’s shared journey to the stars. “Per aspera ad astra,” he’d jolly well told ‘em.

I whispered to Emily: “I think the Scots preferred the Oxford jab, actually.” But she was having none of it; the memory of our first (and last) date at the Open Day for Beginners on daddy’s stud farm perhaps not having quite receded.

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And so, the PM tasked us all with producing ideas for We Love Scotland (och aye). It’s his latest project to save the Union. The winner of the best idea gets a promotion to the Home Office. Now call me a curmudgeon, but the boost to the old CV would be offset somewhat by the stiff increase in life assurance premiums. These would start falling into the category marked ‘Kim Jong-Un in-laws’.

“Didn’t that Murray Ross chap encounter a little local difficulty after he was somewhat disobliging about the gypsies,” I asked Cecil at No 11. “Perhaps we could organise a special gypsy festival near those ancient Pictish standing stones outside the Scottish parliament."

Maybe we could get their womenfolk to design some hanging baskets, or get them to cast love spells for the spectators. It would be a way for us to empathise with their traditions and culture and show that we want them to play a full part in bringing Scotland into the 20th century.

It seems this Ross fellow has an image problem too with the local Celtic tribes who have all been driven into the arms of the SNP because of it. I’d suggest arranging for him to referee a game involving the famous Glasgow Shamrocks where he actually gives THEM some penalties.

I think we should also look at making our presence felt in some of the working-class enclaves. Remember that old 1970s talent show, Opportunity Knocks? Perhaps we could have Opportunity Jocks where we go into edgy housing estates and round up the most unemployable-looking chaps; put them in a suit and get them to do some simple tasks for a sort of Dragons Den-type panel of local Rotary Club members. They’d compete for a week-long internship and we’d come to an understanding on their Universal Credit applications.

I’m also wondering if we could offer a free family fun day at Faslane where mere, pere and the fils get the chance to fire virtual missiles at places in the Middle East and Ireland. I just think it would increase their understanding of the need for weapons of mass destruction in these troubled times and why it’s infinitely preferable to keep them in remote glens rather than built-up areas in the south-east.

I think it’s important we don’t let the Paris incident two years ago discourage us from taking these risks and reaching out. As you’ll recall, we thought we’d put on a joint military beano with the French to reassure the Europeans we’d all still be chums after Brexit.

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There we were letting them try out our new Geronimo attack helicopters and all was going swimmingly. That is until Sir M de C at Defence got howling on a rather immodest Bordeaux, loaded the wrong coordinates and instead of landing harmlessly on Tripoli it was bonne nuit Notre Dame. Why do you think we had to open up that secret supply line for them in the Astra Zeneca?

Incidentally, remember my tongue-in-cheek suggestion that we wean the Scots off heroin by giving them crate-loads of free tonic wine and Dragon Soop? Well, it somehow fetched up on the mainframe of our Scottish command centre. It seems that several Scots Tories started tweeting it as a key policy initiative in our manifesto offering.

The HomeSec has asked to see me personally next week to answer for that one. You probably won’t see me for a little while, but I’ve updated my will just in case and wondered if you’d mind awfully coming round tonight and sign it as executor. I need to fetch the Sir Keir speech he’s due to give tomorrow so that Sunak can run a last-minute check on the numbers they both agreed. So maybe some time after that?

Carpe Vinum!