THE bar was not set particularly high for Boris Johnson’s closing speech at the Conservative Party conference.
The build up to the keynote address had been dominated by high-profile gaffes from some of his top ministers.
Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey danced the early hours of the morning away by singing “I've had the time of my life” – as her department cut lifeline Universal Credit payments to millions of families.
Michael Gove was also having the time of his life as the pandemic rages on and millions of people in the UK face being plunged into poverty.
Just a few hours later, Justice Secretary Dominic Raab revealed he doesn’t even know what misogyny means when asked about the Government’s response to the murder of Sarah Everard.
And so it came to Johnson to round off the almighty s***show that is the Tory party conference.
READ MORE: Boris Johnson uses Conservative Party speech to mock Ian Blackford
Amid the current crisis, with supermarket shelves bare and petrol stations short on fuel, the Prime Minister naturally peppered his speech with some funnies.
Unfortunately most of the gags weren’t all that funny.
Here are five of the Tory leader’s most cringeworthy efforts.
Gove red-faced
Boasting that England has had one of the “most open economies and societies” in the world, the PM acknowledged some had concerns about reopening nightclubs in July.
Referencing Michael Gove’s infamous night out in Aberdeen, Johnson said: “So we sent top government representatives to our sweatiest boites de nuit to show that anyone could dance perfectly safely and wasn’t he brilliant?
“Let’s hear it for Jon Bon Govey, living proof that you – we – represent the most jiving hip happening and generally funkapolitan party in the world.”
Unfortunately, things only went downhill from there…
Cruella de Vil QC
Johnson soon picked up on one of the key themes of his speech, attacking imaginary figures on the “loony left”.
He told his obedient crowd: “Crime has been falling and not just because we took the precaution of locking up the public but because you have a Conservative government that understands the broken windows theory.
“I read a learned article by some lawyer saying we should not bother about pet theft.
“I say to Cruella de Vil QC – if you can steal a dog or a cat then there is frankly no limit to your depravity.”
He should be locked up for that attempt at humour.
Johnson overcooks it
Johnson moved on to another of his favoured reality-defying topics – post-Brexit trade deals.
Having ripped the UK out of the single market, leading to critical shortages in food, fuel, and gas, the PM bragged about the prospect of other international trade deals to make up for a fraction of the trade that we’ve already lost.
He said: “After decades of bewildering refusal we have persuaded the Americans to import prime British beef – a market already worth £66 million.”
And her comes the punchline: “Build back burger.”
Pitiful.
Quelle surprise – another Brexit joke
For his next joke, Johnson stuck to his strengths – comedic timing and contemporary references.
The perfect opportunity arose when he got to talking about people trafficking.
“I have no sympathy whatsoever with the people traffickers who take thousands of pounds to send children to sea in frail and dangerous craft,” he announced. “And we must end this lethal trade, break the gangsters’ business model.
The Tory chief added: “And is it not a sublime irony that even in French politics there is now a leading centre right politician calling for a referendum on the EU.
“Who is now calling for France to reprendre le controle? It’s good old Michel Barnier.
“That’s what happens if you spend a year trying to argue with Lord Frost, the greatest frost since the great frost of 1709.”
Ah yes, who could forget.
Jacob Rees-Mogg in the crosshairs
Having finally plucked up the courage to estimate how many children he has during his recent visit to the US, Johnson ended his speech with a renewed sense of confidence.
He spoke of pride at Team GB’s performance in the Tokyo Olympics.
“It is an incredible thing to come yet again in the top four,” the PM said. “A formidable effort for a country that has only 0.8% of the world’s population – in spite, Jacob, of all our best efforts.”
Rees-Mogg, of course, has six children. Which is at least as many as Johnson is willing to admit he has.
There were countless other cringey moments from the Tory leader’s speech.
But for the sake of our, and your, sanity we thought we better limit it to five.
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