By the start of the 1970s, Barry Cryer had established himself as one of the UK’s leading comedy writers.
The entertainer, who has died aged 86, was one of the main writers on the popular comedy show The Two Ronnies and his material was used by some of the biggest acts of the time, including Kenny Everett, Dave Allen and Les Dawson.
#celebratebaz pic.twitter.com/yVQTvg9YjD
— Barry Cryer (@barrycryer80) January 27, 2022
Here are some of his best one-liners from throughout the years.
– “Quick – the noise made by a dyslexic duck.”
– “I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?”
– “I met my wife and Ronnie Corbett on the same day. I tossed a coin… and married her.”
– “A wife is in the bathroom trying on a new dress. She comes out and says to her husband: ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ He says: ‘Oh be fair, love, it’s quite a small bathroom.’
![A woman looking at Pablo Picasso’s The Dream (Yui Mok/PA)](http://image.assets.pressassociation.io/v2/image/production/171db0bff0068458d907638faddd150fY29udGVudHNlYXJjaGFwaSwxNjQzMzc0MjYx/2.35384836.jpg?w=640)
– “Picasso was burgled and did a drawing of the robbers. Police arrested a horse and two sardines.”
– “Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.
– Parrots
Cryer was famous for his jokes about parrots, and The Oldie magazine, where he was a contributor, published what it claimed was his “ultimate” one in 2020.
It describes a woman who purchases a parrot for only £5.
“Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel,” says the shopkeeper. “And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary.”
![A parrot (RSPCA/PA)](http://image.assets.pressassociation.io/v2/image/production/5c157a40277eaf57882a8f04d87a60e5Y29udGVudHNlYXJjaGFwaSwxNjQzMzc0MTU2/2.57757729.jpg?w=640)
“Never mind,” says the woman. “At that price, I’ll take it.”
So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.
“New place – very nice,” says the parrot.
Then the woman’s two daughters walk in.
“New place, new girls – very nice,” says the parrot.
Then the woman’s husband walks in, and the parrot says, “Oh hello, Keith!”
In 2016, Cryer and his son Bob published a collection of parrot jokes titled Hercule Parrot’s Cagebook.
– Cockerels
One of Cryer’s first jokes told on-stage was about a man driving down a country lane who runs over a cockerel.
He goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
A woman opens it and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’
She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back.”’
– Moths
Another joke Cryer told throughout his career told the story of an unfaithful wife who hides her lover in the bedroom when her husband returns early from a business trip.
When the man is discovered naked, he claims to have been sent by the council to deal with a moth problem, suggesting they have eaten his clothes.
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules here