How bad can Talk TV News really be? Well, here is the answer

But surely Talk TV News, backed by News International, would be a very different beast from the spittle-flecked zoomers on GB News?

I thought, give Talk TV a week. I’d make it my sole source of news. How bad could it be?

Monday morning. So, I’m watching Mike Graham. Mike seems like a decent enough English public grammar school boy, although a quick check tells me he did spend quite a lot of time in Scotland having edited the Scottish Daily Mail.

Mike begins the show with his insights into the intricacies of Northern Irish politics, the so-called UK constitution and trade deals with the EU.

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He goes after his chosen issues with real gusto but basically his argument could be summed up like this: Johnny Foreigner is not going to tell us what to do. We’ll do what we like with our protocol. We signed it two years ago but now we want to scrap it and it’s none of your business anyway. It’s a refreshing take from Mike, who can and does dismiss the legacy of hundreds of years of troubled history on these islands by simply getting straight to the heart of the matter. Foreigners are to blame – but we’ll sort it out.

Forget the EU and its perfidious raid on British rights. Mike saves his real ire for an unknown postman filmed on CCTV kicking a dog across a driveway. Mike is speaking from the heart here. I began to think not even Priti Patel could top this postie for cruelty. Mike ends by encouraging his viewers to help identify the culprit who he hopes will be rooted out, publicly exposed and vilified because, as Mike points out, if there’s one thing that the British public can’t stand, it’s a dog being kicked when it’s down.

The show moves on with a panel discussion on topics of the day with various guests clearly too bonkers even to make it on to the Kay Burley show. Former Tory minister for fake compassion and benefit cuts Iain Duncan Smith rounds things off with a Zoom interview with reassurances that Boris has Ireland in hand and all will be well for the good folk of the shires. Thank god for that.

Tuesday and it’s time to tune into Piers Morgan. Piers, who has taken time off from meeting serial killers and passing judgement on sword swallowers on Britain’s Got Talent, is obviously Talk TV’s top star. And, when he wants to be, a journalist of real weight and experience. First up for Piers is an interview with the Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko live from a war zone near Kiev. It’s an impressive get and shows Piers’s star-pulling power. It’s an informative interview but Piers can’t help but elicit special praise for the UK and Boris Johnson from Mr Klitschko as he ducks from another Russian missile.

Drawing on his experience of US late-night chat shows, Piers then launches into a comic monologue against Vladimir Putin, but it’s safe to say that Piers ain’t no Bill Maher or Stephen Colbert. At least he gave it a shot. He’s on much firmer ground as he indulges himself in a series of diatribes against gender politics, Victoria Beckham’s weight and the car-crash court case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Piers rounds things off with a bizarre story about the Scottish Government banning kilts that would leave most viewers from north of the Border with a sense of bafflement. So nothing really too offensive ... but I certainly don’t have any idea whatsoever about what actually happened in the news today.

Now, this should be different. It’s Wednesday and it’s Tom Newton Dunn. Tom seems like a decent sort. He’s presented political shows on BBC TV and Radio 4, so dependable then.

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Unfortunately, Tom’s stories are beginning to form a familiar editorial path for Talk TV. He looks at the case of a pupil who claims to have been hounded out of school for speaking out against trans rights. Now of all the issues facing English education, this is the one that Tom feels must be put to the UK Education Secretary. This is quickly followed up with coverage of a Yorkshire village which is in a state of uproar and fear about the possibility of Priti Patel sending some migrants to live near them. Hot on its heels is a dystopian account on the possible, but highly unlikely, spread of monkeypox throughout the UK. You can’t help but feel sorry for Tom that he wasn’t able to identify any trans refugees who have been spreading monkeypox around the good yeomanry of merry old England. Maybe next week.

Jeremy Kyle is a name you can trust on a Thursday afternoon. You know what you’re going to get. Mind you, he’s never sprung to mind as a conduit of reliable news coverage, but let’s have an open mind here. First up is Wagatha Christie. I have read quite a bit on this story but I’m now treated to the expert opinions of former ITV political editor and former head of press for the LibDems Daisy McAndrew. Daisy’s first big story after she got the ITV job was, allegedly, to make public the alcohol problems suffered by her boss of several years Charles Kennedy. Charlie lost his job, was publicly humiliated and Daisy got her scoop.

Joining Daisy and Jeremy is Sharon Osbourne of reality TV fame. They gleefully devour court proceedings, passing judgement on celebrity hypocrisy and vanity. Yes, really. That’s before their sights are turned on another favourite target, Harry and Meghan, which is a shame really, because I would have valued Sharon’s input on the cost of living crisis. Perhaps she could have suggested some acts that people on benefits could do for the next series of Britain’s Got talent? It might help them raise a bob or two.

The week ends on Friday as it started with good old Mike Graham. Mike tells his viewers that they’ll hear the truth and nothing but the truth. As part of this truth, Mike kicks things off by saying he doesn’t believe there’s any problem with the UK economy, no problem with inflation, and shortages... he doesn’t see any shortages. He uses the example of rapeseed oil. How can we be short of rapeseed? After all, he drives past fields of the stuff every day on his way into work. Like Mike says, nothing but the truth.

As we plummet down the rabbit hole of Mike’s own unique take on macro-economics, our speed only increases as our host wheels in plummy-voiced sidekick Richard Tice. Richard helped found the Brexit Party and is a former Farage wingman. Mike and Richard now gee themselves up as they take on all the ills of the western world.

In no particular order, the principle sinners that ail us are: all trade unions, charities, human-rights-type people, the British civil service, the Metropolitan Police and anyone else who simply won’t listen to basic common sense. Watching Mike and his pals discuss contemporary society is like being hit repeatedly over the head with a large John-Bull-shaped cudgel. Established conventions and political courtesies that used to make British politics just about bearable are thrown out the window.

We’ve now truly arrived at the rough, openly heartless, vaudeville interpretation of the Johnsonian age.

At the end of a week of watching Talk TV News, I feel like the world would be a much simpler place if we could all be more like Mike, Tom Newton Dunn and Sharon Osbourne. To have that complete self-assurance that your own basic common sense can trump any counter-argument must be comforting. To know for sure that any bumps in the road encountered by this sceptred isle must be down to scrounging Celts, the interference of foreigners or the humans-rights brigade.

So what’s the best thing that can be said of Talk TV, the latest foray into the increasing degradation of current affairs coverage in the UK? The best thing is that its standards are still too high for Neil Oliver to be offered a slot.