AS an Edinburgh resident, nothing gets me more excited than the opportunity once a year to tell everyone how annoyed I am by the Edinburgh Fringe.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the Fringe. It’s great to be able to see so many shows in one place. I love how alive the city becomes, and the fact everywhere is open past 10pm.
READ MORE: Miriam Margolyes at the Fringe: Dickens, politics and lots of charm
But it definitely has its drawbacks, especially for those of us who live in Edinburgh year-round and are simply trying to get on with our lives.
Here are the top 10 things you shouldn’t do at the Fringe – unless you really want to pee off the locals.
1. Don’t walk in the middle of the path
I know everyone at the Fringe thinks they’re the main character (in many cases, you might literally be the main character in a show), but the world doesn’t revolve around you.
There’s plenty of room for all of us, so just budge up a bit and let us hurry angrily past you – you might even get a shake of the head and a tut if you’re lucky.
2. Don’t creep me out with your weird flyering intros
Sure, I love a good hook, and I know you’re trying to get my attention to make me want to see your show.
But if I hear one more person ask me, “Do you have daddy issues?” or “How often do you think about dying?” (yes, these are both real things I have heard), I’m going to cry.
3. Don’t interrupt me when I clearly don’t want you to talk to me
On the topic of flyering, please don’t come up to me when I have my headphones on and I’m eating my lunch.
I admire your enthusiasm, but I really, really just want to enjoy my overpriced sandwich in peace.
4. Don’t perform in cycle lanes – they're there for a reason
This seems so obvious, but I’ve seen it happen so many times around the Meadows. If there’s no space for you to do your impromptu magic show, for the love of God just find somewhere else.
People are trying to use the cycle lanes so they can get around the city, many of them to travel to work where they’ll then serve you. Don’t put yourself and others at risk just because you want to show off your juggling skills.
5. Don’t get swept away by silent disco fever
You know what I’m talking about – the herds of people who prance around with massive headphones shouting Abba lyrics and pretending they’re hitting every note.
I’m not trying to ruin the fun, but it’s called a silent disco for a reason.
6. Don’t stick exclusively to the Royal Mile
You can’t say you’ve been to Edinburgh if the only things you’ve seen are the castle and Arthur’s Seat. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Edinburgh’s a small city, but there’s so much going on. Try venturing outside of the tourist traps on the Royal Mile and Bristo Square – Leith, Portobello, Stockbridge and Bruntsfield all have a lot to offer, and many of them have shows there, too.
7. Don’t just see the big names
Sure, we all have our favourite comedians who we like watching on the telly. And you can absolutely bet they’ll be at the Fringe – it's impossible to miss their faces plastered on billboards all over the city.
But why don’t you try something new? Instead of seeing a sell-out show at the Playhouse, give a smaller comedy club a go. You never know, you might just find your new favourite comedian.
8. Don’t complain about how busy the city centre is
Trust me, we know. It’s practically impossible to get a seat on the bus, and you can forget going to your favourite local coffee shop for the month.
There’s no point in complaining about how many people there are, or how dirty the streets are. It’s literally your fault (just be thankful the bin strikes have been called off).
READ MORE: 'Comedy is an outlet': Performer opens up about using Ozempic ahead of Fringe show
9. Don’t be mean to the staff
Everyone is working as hard as they can to make sure you have the best Fringe. If something isn’t right, there’s no need to be a douche about it.
Please be considerate of everyone who works at the festivals – whether they’re checking your ticket or serving you a pint, a little bit of kindness will go a long way in making this whole experience bearable for them.
10. Don’t be ignorant about Scotland
Don’t pretend you know everything there is to know about Scotland when you can’t even pronounce Edinburgh right.
Instead, take the time to learn more about the city, and explore the rest of the country if you get the chance. There’s a lot more to us than deep-fried mars bars and clan tartan.
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules here