PEOPLE make mistakes. We’re only human after all. So perhaps we shouldn’t be trusted with important decisions. As MPs carry on bickering and bartering over Brexit, one possible resolution to the impasse seems to have been overlooked. Why put the question of deal, no-deal or no Brexit to fallible parliamentarians – or the mere mortals they represent – when we could just ask God?
If he can’t be reached via a direct line, perhaps we could seek the assistance of Stirling MP Stephen Kerr, who enjoyed a rare moment of glory this week at Prime Minister’s Questions when he bellowed that Scotland should be denied a second independence referendum.
You see, the Right Honourable Mr Kerr is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – otherwise known at the Mormons. In fact he’s not just a member but kind of a big deal, having held a priesthood role for several years and organised the first Mormon pageant in the UK in 2013.
It would appear the good people of Stirling elected, by a thumping majority of 148, a man who does not believe Scotland could be a successful independent state but does believe in angels.
For the uninitiated, the modestly self-proclaimed Latter-day Saints believe in “continuing revelation” – which only a cynical heathen would translate as “making it up as you go along” – and that God communicates with them via their church president. Curiously, since the establishment of the religion in the 1830s God has exclusively selected old white men for this vitally important role. (I once asked some very polite young Mormon women in Salt Lake City if they found this peculiar, and their pre-programmed, droning replies made our Maybot look like a cutting-edge humanoid from the Westworld reboot).
Where the Mormons differ from other branches of Christianity is that their holy books include The Book of Mormon. Not to be confused with the musical of the same name from the creators of South Park, this tome was first published by American Joseph Smith after he was visited by an angel who led him to some engraved gold tablets.
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Luckily for humanity, Smith was gifted with the power to translate the strange text into English and share it with the world, as the angel was a bit possessive about the gold plates and said no-one else was allowed to look at them. Which is understandable. It’s maybe a bit like when you have legal advice about Brexit that you don’t want to show anyone else, just because.
Of course, the Brexiteers have their own holy text, but it’s written in red pen rather than engraved on gold, and reflects the will of the people rather than the word of God. It’s not entirely clear how Theresa May came to receive these words of wisdom – if she had a series of visions on a hillside she’s kept quiet about it, but she’s certainly a big fan of the great outdoors and she does seem extremely confident that she knows exactly what the “great” British public want to happen next.
In line with the scriptures of Abba I also believe in angels, and something good in everything I see, so when I saw that the Scottish Tories were lobbying Theresa May to rule out a formal role for Scotland in post-Brexit trade negotiations I couldn’t help but let slip a hallelujah. The continuing revelation that this bunch of buffoons will stand in the way of new powers for Scotland if there could be the slightest threat to their precious Union seemed to answer the prayers of their opponents. SNP MSP Joan McAlpine wrote in The Scotsman that after years of trying to reinvent themselves as a pro-devolution party, the mask had slipped.
Hold on though – were the Scottish Tories wearing masks? If so they must have been made from wafer-thin gammon, invisible from ten paces and saltier than the crumbs in Mundell’s beard. Anyone who hasn’t detected the true colours of this bunch by now surely requires an eye test.
“In what other country would elected politicians lobby against having a say over key decisions affecting those they represent?” asked McAlpine. I suppose that depends on what you mean by “country” – and whether you slip seamlessly between references to Scotland and the British state.
Responding to Kerr in the Commons on Wednesday, Theresa May assured everyone that Scotland did not want a second independence referendum, insisting that “at the last General Election the people of Scotland again sent a very clear message that they do not want a second divisive referendum”.
Which is odd, because I don’t remember the option of “do not want a second divisive referendum” on the ballot paper and Scotland returned a majority of pro-independence MPs. She went on to assert that “the last thing we want is a second independence referendum”.
I think we all know who she means by “we” – herself, her Tory colleagues and her collapsed clown car of a government. These are the characters who Scots are being expected to trust to steer us through the chaos of their own creation. And if the Scottish Tories get their way, they’ll make sure anyone trying to stand up for Scotland receives a swift kick to the back of the knees.
Heaven help us.
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