GIVEN the masochistic urges of the Scottish Conservatives to gift Scottish landmarks to the UK government, I’m surprised they turned up to FMQs on Thursday.

After all the recent whining about losing control of Edinburgh Castle, sitting in Scotland’s Parliament must make them feel uneasy. I mean, look at the place. The lights. The beams. The wee microphones! It is top-quality stuff and would look so much better covered with Union Jack stickers.

Security staff should be on high alert in the coming weeks. What’s to stop Jackson Carlaw nabbing a framed photo or two from the garden lobby and gifting it to Boris Johnson as an act of rebellion at the cheek of Scotland owning all this Scottish stuff? It’s something to watch out for is all I’m saying.

Carlaw kicked things off by asking about Johnson’s back-of-a-fag-packet deal for leaving the EU.

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“I’d vote for it!” he revealed, unnecessarily in my view. Jackson Carlaw would vote for the “We Hate Jackson Carlaw” party if Boris Johnson told him to – a point made in more polite terms by the First Minister, before she moved on to explain why Johnson’s deal is deid.

“It breaks all the promises made to Ireland at the start of the Brexit process …and it would mean Scotland is out of the EU, out of the single market and customs union, all against our will.”

Carlaw looked somewhat confused by her response – he hadn’t even mentioned Scotland after all.

He tried to reason with Nicola Sturgeon and told her, with a grave expression and pink hue to his cheeks, that we are at the 11th hour and need to COMPROMISE.

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He’s right about one thing. Politics right now does feel like chucking-out time at the pub. But Boris Johnson doesn’t want to leave because it’s the only pub he’s not been barred from for loitering outside the ladies’ loos. Jackson Carlaw is his adoring wingman, showing his love for his pal by tenderly wiping the vomit from his lips and hand-feeding him chips and cheese.

“My alternative to No-Deal is NO BREXIT!” said Nicola Sturgeon.

“Jackson Carlaw has no credibility on this or anything else after the events of this week.”

She noted Carlaw’s screeching U-turn from his previous support for Remain, to becoming a “Boris-Johnson-Loving No-Deal-Brexiteer”.

“Shame on him for that!” she went on.

To which Jackson Carlaw could be heard muttering “Shame? What’s that?”

He persisted with his line of questioning – because he just couldn’t understand why Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the SNP and First Minister of Scotland, might think his pal Boris’s deal is a bit of a shit offer for a country that voted overwhelmingly to remain in the EU.

She gave up on trying to explain Scotland’s vote in the EU referendum and instead had a bit of fun in taunting him about the civil war raging in his party.

“I thought Labour was the master of ousting leaders, but at least they wait until they’ve chosen their leader. The Scottish Tories are trying to get rid of Jackson Carlaw before he’s even been elected!”

You’ve got to have a thick skin to be interim leader of the unelectable Scottish Tories, and so Carlaw was unperturbed by her remarks.

“WHY-OH-WHY,” he pleaded, “won’t she support the DEAL to LEAVE the EU?!”

“BECAUSE SCOTLAND VOTED REMAIN!” replied the First Minister.

Jackson Carlaw sat back down, none the wiser as to why she was acting so unreasonably.