House of Lords will not leap at the chance to reform itself

They’ve aye had a guid conceit of ­themselves, but the modern, bloated ­version of Westminster’s upper house is now more often a repository for ­superannuated ­former MP’s, party hacks, advisers and fixers, party donors, and not a few folk to whom the electorate have chosen to give a dizzie at the actual ballot box.

There are some Lords and Ladies who take the job seriously, scrutinise ­upcoming Commons legislation, and use their ­elevated status to fight assorted good fights. They are not so much an army of the wise, as a dwindling platoon of the committed.

And let us not forget the 92 ­Hereditaries who survived the 1999 cull and lived to vote another day. But only, mostly, for each ­other as they are entitled to top up their own ranks if any of them is uncouth enough to fall off their perch.

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Before we get to the latest affront to ­democracy, let us remind ourselves of some recent arrivals to the Erminites. There is that titan of international trade Ian ­Botham, who presumably will beat any awkward negotiators in Oz to a pulp with his trusty bat.

This is something of a two way street since ex OZ PM Tony Abbott – he of the budgie smuggling swimwear – recently found himself appointed to an advisory role at the Board of Trade, presumably to advise the latter that British farming was stuffed.

He will be helped in this mission by ­former Secretary of State “for” Scotland David Mundell, now trade envoy to New Zealand. That antipodean country which would much prefer we used their lamb ­rather than our own. Genius.

And let us not forget, how could we, the Baroness Davidson of Lundin Links in the Kingdom of Fife. Ruth accepted her title from Boris Johnson, a man whom she once considered unfit to be in charge of a village menoge.

But back to the peerless house of Peers, their numbers now increased to accommodate Malcolm Offord, a very rich financier who earned his political spurs speaking up for Vote Leave, and putting money into a personal branch of the 2014 No campaign. This got him as far as a place on the Tory ­Lothians list from which he failed to emerge at the election. Even as a List MSP.

There is a long and ignoble tradition of parachuting people into the Lords in ­order to give them a job for which the poor bloody voting infantry failed to ­consider them suitable. Thus does Mr ­Offord, a Greenockian by birth, find himself an ­under secretary at the Scotland Office.

The self same promotion once befell Andrew Dunlop who, before he too was sent upstairs to do the same job, had, ­inter alia, worked for both Margaret Thatcher and David Cameron. It pays to have friends in the Right places. Baron Dunlop, as he is now styled, played a pivotal role in the Better Together shenanigans and now, like so very many politicians, has turned his hand to journalism.

Let us remember too Lord David Frost Lord David Frost, the man who made such a bourach of the Brexit negotiations that he has been ­reduced to begging the EU to re-write the Northern Ireland protocol that he ­himself drafted. They telt him there would be Irish tears before bedtime, and if he didn’t believe it then, he kens noo.

IT’S an interesting case study in ­continuing to dig yourself into ever larger holes. At absolutely no extra charge, Frost blundering into a hard Brexit seems to have also sabotaged the much vaunted US trade deal, since Joe Biden is having no truck with anyone who risks the hard won peace process.

It was the blessed Lady Thatcher who used this wheeze after her election victory to bring in David, now Lord Young, to the cabinet via a perch on the red benches. It was rumoured that David was sufficiently excited about this elevation to unpick the D from the DY monogrammed shirts, the better to advertise his new status. It’s probably more relevant to note that amongst his mentors was Keith Joseph and Norman Tebbit, from which we may deduce his natural affiliations.

There is a solid case to be made for a ­second, revising chamber for all ­parliaments, including Holyrood. But it should never comprise an open ended number of unelected bods who have risen to the “top” not so much like cream, as a time served member of the chumocracy.

You may recall that one of the ­people ennobled by the current PM is a ­Russian newspaper owner whose grasp of the nuances of British politics might be ­described as shaky. But what Evgeny ­Lebedev does have is a rather posh palace in Perugia where hospitality is extended to pals like a Mr Boris Johnson.

In fairness, the ludicrous number of bums on Lords seats is not just down to the Tories. Tony Blair ennobled over 370 Labour Peers, and I’m truly at a loss as to why so many alleged left wing politicians found it appropriate to accept. Or why so many who protested that they were only going there to help abolish it have so ­signally failed in that ambition.

We shall have to wait awhile to ­determine if the Starmer era will also spring this kind of legacy and continue to pop people upstairs if, for instance, you’d really like to give their seat to someone a mite more likely to serve their ­electorate. But it is dispiriting, to say the very least, that every attempt to modernise this chamber has died on the alter of personal ambition.

Proposals to abolish or reform the House of Lords celebrated their 100th birthday in 2010. This does not suggest anything much resembling a headlong rush to modernity. All three major ­parties in England had Lords Reform in their 2010 manifesto, but like Christmas trees and turkeys, this seasonal gambit proved to have a short shelf life.

YOU could argue, and I absolutely do, that the last people to fashion a new ­future for the House of Lords, or no ­future at all, are the people who currently dwell there. It is, after all, a pleasantly cushy number. Free travel for you and the family to get there, and London travel passes when you do.

A quite amazing number of clubs and societies, many members of which can only glean enough data on the location/issue in question by dint of lots of expeditions at yours and my expense. It’s a bit of a mystery why so many of these foreign travels to strange sounding places with agreeable climates have so dismally failed to bring about world peace as yet. Or at least in the Middle East or the Korean peninsula.

READ MORE: Ruth Davidson's register of interests published by the Lords

Lots of lovely electronic gizmos and laptops free to you, fine subsidised meals and drinks, a wee emporium where you can buy all manner of goodies ­emblazoned with the HoL brand, the better to ­impress your pals when you turn up with a ­goodies bag.

Listen, what’s not to like?

Just about everything actually. Those people who use the Lords honestly, which is to say put in the hard yards ­scrutinising, amending and improving legislation could do so with a quarter of the trappings.

Those who use it as an agreeable ­drinking club, or a useful pad in which to progress their own business interests, should not be doing either at the expense of the taxpayer.

Above all, it is an anachronism which, rather like the monarchy, merely ­entrenches privilege and contributes to the galloping inequality so emblematic of the current era. Time for an independent rethink; time for another cull.