ARE there now so many tales of lockdown parties in Downing Street that we risk being anaesthetised to their cumulative effect? On social media right now you risk being ostracised and shunned by your tribe if, by the close of business that day, you haven’t expressed your outrage at the Downing Street saturnalia.

But already you sense the beginning of something approaching public fatigue with these stories: “When will we start getting some real news?”; “It was more than a year ago, can we not concentrate on the real problems being created by the Tories?”.

You sense that many of those beginning to tire of this endless cycle – revelation, sanctimonious outrage, tears, half-apology – are not part of the virtuous elites who throng Twitter to emote and declaim minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day after day after day. They, too, buried their loved ones while the Tories partied but, right now, they’re more concerned with feeding and heating those who are still alive and have their futures ahead of them.

My own grief at losing loved ones to Covid hasn’t somehow increased a year on by the knowledge that these Tories might have been partying. They’re Tories after all. What did we honestly expect? Year after year they urge us to be patriotic and tell us we’re all in it together while putting their own personal and family interests above all else.

READ MORE: Ousting Boris Johnson will trigger General Election, Jacob Rees-Mogg says

Eventually, this will be made to work in the Conservatives’ favour. If Boris Johnson is forced to demit office he’ll be replaced by someone more committed to a hard-right agenda. There’s always been a sullen vanguard of the UK Conservatives who feel that Johnson isn’t really “one of us”. That he’s not emotionally committed to their ideal of maintaining the social, cultural and economic hegemony of those whom they consider to be the right sort. That he’s a shallow popinjay concerned only with self-promotion and a bit too liberal in his cultural instincts. Hell, he’s not even thoroughly British.

Johnson’s replacement will studiously adhere to a contrived regime of self-denial and iron discipline. England’s right-wing press will proclaim their moral rectitude for resisting all temptations of the flesh as they strive to make Britain build back better. Snatched photographs of Rishi Sunak visiting Aldi for some late-night shopping or Liz Truss sitting masked and alone on a park bench eating her alfalfa crepe will insinuate their way into The Daily Mail.

All the other iniquities arising from their social policies will be dismissed because, well … “at least she’s not Boris Johnson”. Grainy photographs will emerge of Sir Keir Starmer doing a lockdown-busting slosh at Labour HQ while failing to observe the two-metre rule.

Eventually, Vladimir Putin will invade the Ukraine. British troops will see their first serious action in Europe since 1945 and the Tories will present themselves as the champions of western democracy. No-one will give a monkey’s about Wilf’s broken swing and the suitcase of wine. It’ll be Rule Britannia and Gotcha and Let’s Tell Vlad to Bugger Offski.

I feel there’s a much better way of enacting punitive measures for the Johnson administration’s flouting of its own lockdown restrictions. Parliament could be made to impose a special Atonement Order on the Prime Minister and those in his Cabinet and their advisers who partied their way through 2020 and beyond.

This national disciplinary legislation would impose strict lockdown measures on Johnson and his retinue while the rest of us party like it’s 2019 as the pandemic retreats. An independent, all-party committee would name the MPs and officials who knowingly made merry in 2020 and oblige them to undertake the sackcloth and ashes treatment. I feel this would help with the healing process as we emerge blinking into the post-Covid dawn.

With the help of GPS technology we would track the movements of Johnson and the Downing Street partygoers for an entire year to ensure their compliance. Those deemed to be the most persistent carousers would be fitted with ankle bracelets so that they don’t attempt to move beyond a strict five-mile radius of their homes and places of work.

Obviously, as a peace-loving and civilised society opposed to all forms of violence we would recoil from any form of physical chastisement. But I think in the circumstances the ankle tags could give a mild electric shock when the wearer moves to within two metres of anyone or participates in gatherings of more than six people. All vehicles belonging to their household would be fitted with a special satnav so that they can’t seek relief in their fourth or fifth homes. The public would be given a special free hotline number to call if they witness a member of the Cabinet seeking ingress to a licensed premises.

Any attempts to engage in concupiscence between households would be met with the full force of public disapproval and shaming on social media. Those Tories known to be overly fond of shagging and related activities would be subject to a one-year celibacy order. All Zoom calls would be monitored to discourage “virtual” encounters of this nature. This would be known as the Hancock Protocol.

I’d also be inclined to issue them with special face-masks fitted with micro-tracers to ensure that there are no attempts to discard them when no-one’s watching. If they attempted to buy comestibles at their local Waitrose without a mask then facial recognition technology would identify them and store detectives would be alerted.

READ MORE: The REAL Scottish Politics: Get set for orgy of jingoistic British nationalism

The atonement measures would also extend to any attempts to attend sports events. The rest of us were deprived of watching our favourite football and rugby teams in action during the pandemic, so the ankle tags would help ensure they didn’t try to sneak into Twickers unnoticed.

Some of the most distressing lockdown experiences concerned those of us who were unable to visit elderly relatives in care homes or bury them when they died. So, it’s only fair that the Government’s lockdown revellers be compelled to experience something of that, too.

Certainly, this might risk punishing innocent codgers by depriving them of visits from Boris and his crew. I’m sure though, that members of the local Conservative associations could volunteer to step forward and ensure these old people still received regular visits. Some of these elderly relatives might actually be thankful for it.

As for funerals, I’m sure we could come to a compassionate arrangement. Perhaps the deceased could be kept in cold storage somewhere until the Year of Atonement is served and then given a decent send-off by their lockdown-dodging family members.

It would all help with the healing process and get us back on our feet again.