The National:

AT this point you're probably wondering why the Conservative Party chooses to wheel out Nadine Dorries for media appearances at all.

Time after time the Culture Secretary goes on the BBC, Channel 4 or Sky News and time after time reminds Scots that competence is not this Government’s forte.

The gaffe-ridden minister has sought to defend Boris Johnson as he faces an avalanche of resignations and calls to resign.

READ MORE: Nadine Dorries makes embarrassing gaffe on Tory MPs during radio show

But Dorries has leapt to the PM’s defence in a series of bizarre and confusing interviews. It’s only a shame she ducked all the questions.

In her latest attempt to defend Johnson, Dorries appeared on the BBC Breakfast show with Charlie Stayt.

Instead of answering any questions though, Dorries opted to quiz the journalist on his motives, repeat non-answers and struggle to output a coherent sentence.

You’d think a published author would be a better communicator – although if you check out the reviews then maybe not.

Not even the Tory-supporting Telegraph could cut Dorries some slack with Christopher Howse calling her book The Four Streets "the worst novel I've read in 10 years".

But no need to worry as help is at hand! Satirist Michael Spicer has helpfully explained to the Mid Bedfordshire MP how the interview should have gone – and it’s unsurprisingly very simple.

The video shows Spicer playing a fake spin doctor advising Dorries in real-time. As Stayt asks Dorries if she has spoken to the PM recently, Spicer advises her to say “yes I have Charlie, and he tells me he remains very positive and focused on the job at hand”.

Of course, Dorries being Dorries, she actually hits back at Stayt saying “why are you asking me that question?” Which would maybe make sense if she wasn’t a high-ranking member of his Government on a major BBC news programme for the very purpose of answering questions about the Prime Minister.

Spicer explains to Dorries: “Because he’s under police investigation and everyone who works for him has resigned in the last 24 hours – that’s why he’s a little bit curious, Nadine.”

That’s not, of course, how things went, and Dorries sits looking incredulous before admitting they “communicated”.

Asked by Stayt again, the minister goes back to saying they have “communicated”.

Upon the robotic response, Spicer asks “why are you talking like you are in court?! Tell him, give him an answer.”

She doesn’t do that, as a straight answer from this Tory Government is as elusive as the truth.

READ MORE: 'Nick Robinson has cost the BBC a lot of money', furious Tory Culture Minister says

Dorries refuses to answer Stayt’s question, saying she won’t reveal the “extent of my communications to the Prime Minister”.

Saying what we are all thinking, Spicer goes on: “No, God forbid you’d answer a question on a news programme like a responsible adult rather than say a petulant, humourless creep with all the personality of a bag of toenails.”

Continuing to hit the nail on the head, Spicer asks: “How broken is our political system that a person who is so unqualified for any governmental position and who has the same level of cultural knowledge as a horse with a washing basket on its head can rise to become Cabinet Minister for Culture, Media and chuffing Sport?”

Is it any wonder Scots want out of this failing UK?