MONDAY
THE discovery last week about the two missing CalMac ferries threatens to turn an embarrassment into a crisis. The two ferries, now five years behind schedule and almost three times over budget, have not been seen since the end of last year.
What’s worse is that grainy footage exists of the two cursed ships lying offshore in the United Arab Emirates where they appear to have been turned into floating pleasure palaces. “How do we know they’re actually our two Port Glasgow ferries,” I ask Jenny Gilruth, the Transport Minister. “There’s some graffiti on the starboard side which reads “Andy Ritchie is the King of Greenock,” she replies. This seems to be a reference to a local football legend who played for Greenock Morton in the late 1970s. Which seems to be around the time when these two damnable ships started to be built.
It seems that a member of the United Arab Emirates royal family bought them as a job lot and had them converted into living quarters for several of his wives. I now face a race against time to spin the story in our favour. But in the meantime I must once more ask Colonel Yuri and his team for a final favour.
The Ukrainian former Spetsnaz Black Ops team have already proved invaluable in making some problems disappear. I befriended them at a Spectator bash a few years ago when I was an adviser at the UK Department of Social Affairs. In return for a couple of Scottish Government contracts in the wild west of the Edinburgh construction sector they dealt rather efficiently with Peter Murrell’s Irish mafia kidnappers and the top civil servant who was threatening to expose Murdo Fraser as a Nationalist sleeper.
READ MORE: UK Government contradicts Kwasi Kwarteng 'no more nuclear in Scotland' claim
TUESDAY
I meet Yuri and his two associates at one of the massage parlours they purchased around Edinburgh’s Scotland Street on the proceeds of the Murrell job. Understandably, I was initially hesitant at their choice of rendezvous, given the historic connotations of the relaxation industry in these parts.
Yuri swears to me though, on the memory of the Black Virgin of the Caucasus, that he runs these facilities in a very morally upstanding manner. “Our executive stress advisers only offer zey’re special relaxation services to selected clientele who have to prove zat zey are unmarried and have official doctor’s certificate. Vich, ov course, ve can provide for a further consideration.”
“Look Yuri,” I tell him quietly. “We have a problem with two missing ferries which have ended up in the Persian Gulf. I don’t quite know how they got there but, not to put too fine a point on it old chap, we need to make them disappear and rapidamente.”
“Ah, Rupertski, Rupertski, do not vurry, you hav come to right people. My team ver highly-trained operatives in old Soviet Special Boat squadron and hav made bigger ships zan zese vuns disappear.
“Hey, Boris, you remember zat nuclear submarine zose rascally Iranian ayatollahs procured in 1984? Do not vurry about your missing ferries, by tomorrow evening zey vil go to zeyre final resting-place in the locker-room ov Davidski Jones.
“And in return perhaps your fine Scottish Top Minister, Nicolashka might look favourably on our bid for planning permission vor a luxury leadership and casino centre vith health spa and cabaret at the top ov your Calton Hill. Your esteemed and very fine Mr Tomaski Hunter is one ov our silent partners.”
WEDNESDAY
I spend a very nervous day waiting for news of Colonel Yuri’s operation in the Persian Gulf to scuttle the two stolen CalMac ferries. Finally, at just before midnight I receive the signal that the two vessels have been sunk and that no trace that they were even made in Port Glasgow exists.
Now, all I have to do is provide a suitable cover story for the press hounds. I immediately call Jenny Gilruth and advise her of my plan.
THURSDAY
The Minister appears at a hastily-convened press conference to shut down all the rumours about the whereabouts of the CalMac ferries.
“After a thorough investigation involving our friends in the UAE we can refute all reports that the two ferries had been procured by them and turned into floating beauty parlours. Construction of these two vessels continues at Port Glasgow and we expect delivery of them in due course, despite delays caused by Covid-19; the Ukrainian crisis; rising fuel costs and the shortage of vital materials for the ships’ navigation system. This was entirely due to the delay caused by the Ever Given cargo ship being stranded in the Suez Canal last year.”
All I need now is to locate a couple of near-complete ferries and organise a professional paint job. I make a call to an old friend in the San Francisco Bay Area who has good contacts in the US Teamsters Union.
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