George Kerevan: A year of political crisis from Putin to Mone

Top of the pops can only be Vlad “the Impaler” Putin who gets the prize for the Politician Most Likely to Trash his Country (and Ukraine as a bonus). Increased arms production and a global sanctions regime that is full of holes has kept the Russian economy from contracting as much as predicted but the long run looks dire.

Russian casualties are in excess of 93,000. One-third of Russia’s IT and computer specialists have fled the country rather than be drafted. Mortgage defaults are spiralling and defaults on car loans are through the roof. Well done, Vlad.

Of course, Putin has had a lot of competition for the “worst ruler” prize. President Xi of China awarded himself the status of lifetime leader but somehow China’s 200 million surveillance cameras (shades of Orwell’s Big Brother) failed to deter the biggest wave of public protests against the regime in decades.

Turns out that ordinary Chinese are sick to the back teeth with draconian lock down measures aimed (supposedly) at curbing the Covid virus, but which in actuality represent a bureaucracy which is out of control. The Chinese people get the 2022 prize for Bravery in the Face of Repression.

Time for something a shade lighter: the annual award for Westminster Incompetence. This was a hard one to judge in 2022 given that the Tories managed to run through three prime ministers and four chancellors of the exchequer – and the year isn’t over yet.

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I suppose the obvious candidate for this award is Liz Truss, who managed a whole 45 days in Number 10. This was just enough time to create a £72 billion black hole in the nation’s finances. By my calculations, if she’d lasted a full year, we would be heading to an extra trillion pounds of debt. However, forget Liz – the rest of the Tory Party has.

Instead, I want to honour the little man (or woman). In other words, Member of Parliament who has contributed most to the high reputation of the Palace of Westminster. The 2022 shortlist was particularly impressive.

There was Boris himself, who was ambushed by a cake. Or Lothario Matt Hancock, who trousered £400,000 for appearing on I’m a Celebrity when he was being paid to be a working MP. Or the delightful Neil Parish, the Tory MP who had to resign after being caught twice – yes twice! – watching porn on his mobile phone while in the Commons chamber. But as a consolation, Parish gets the prize for Best Excuse when caught with your trousers down: Parish claimed he was watching a video on … er, tractors.

Fanfare of trumpets: the winner of the 2022 prize for the politician who has contributed most to burnishing the reputation of British democracy is Michelle Georgina Mone, aka Baroness Mone of Mayfair (the luxury London residential area).

Last month, The Guardian newspaper reported that an Isle of Man trust, of which Mone and her adult children are beneficiaries, had received £29 million originating from a government contract with PPE Medpro. This is a company led by a close business associate of Mone and her husband.

Previously, a Freedom of Information request had revealed that Mone personally recommended PPE Medpro to the VIP fast-track scheme for government Covid contracts and that the company was subsequently awarded a £200m deal. Well done, Michelle.

But what of recipients closer to dear old Caledonia? I was tempted to award the Best Exemplar of Scottish Democracy prize to Baron Reed of Allermuir, the President of the Supreme Court, for ruling that Scotland must remain a prisoner of the Union unless the Tory government decides otherwise, and regardless of how Scottish voters mark their ballot papers. Hardly surprising given that Lord Reed sits in an unelected chamber himself and that we are all subjects of Charles III, not free citizens of a democratic republic.

However, after much reflection – certainly longer than the Supreme Court spent on vetoing an independence referendum – I have decided to award the Scottish Democracy Prize to Douglas Ross MSP, the Tory leader

in Scotland and also part-time MP at Westminster. Mr Ross said originally that it was a “disgrace” that the Supreme Court was being asked to rule on the legality of an indyref2. However, when the Court found against a referendum, Ross was cock-a-hoop and announced bizarrely that the verdict proved democracy was being “subverted” by the SNP! For the Tories, always, democracy is what they say it is.

However, I need to be fair. So who has won the 2022 prize for Most Charismatic Leader? I did consider Mr Ross himself after his courageous opposition to Boris Johnson becoming Tory leader, followed by his support for Boris, followed by his second call for Boris to resign. Rarely has any politician been so willing to humiliate himself so many times in order to come out on the right side, and to keep his job.

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Alternatively, I thought of awarding the Charismatic Leader prize to Sir Keir Starmer, Labour’s frontman at Westminster. Labour are around 20 points ahead of the Tories in the latest polls – for the UK. So Starmer is on course for Number 10. But one could hardly say that he has spent much time presenting an alternative plan for government.

Rather, Starmer is following the time-tested strategy of spending all his period in opposition attacking his own left wing. Across the UK, Labour left wingers are being expelled wholesale from the party and sitting MPs deemed “suspect” by The Maximum Leader are being denied re-selection. And if Starmer does get to Downing Street, expect him to take on the public sector unions as his priority. Well, he is an ex-Trot after all.

No, the 2022 prize for Charismatic Leader goes yet again to James Gordon Brown, the man who saved global capitalism in 2008 and who saved the Union in 2014. This year Gordon was tasked by Keir Starmer to come up with new ideas on reforming democracy and strengthening our precious Union.

Gordon rose to the task by suggesting exactly the same things he and Labour have always suggested when they do pretend exercises like this, in the hope of fooling the voters into thinking they care about more democracy.

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So Gordon has proposed abolishing the House of Lords, just as Labour promised in 1945 and 1964. Will it happen next time round? Absolutely not. For starters, the Lords would have to vote for its own abolition. Has anyone asked Baroness Mone how she will vote on that. Oops, I forgot. The Baroness has taken temporary leave of the Lords “to clear her name”.

Best of all, Gordon has promised more “modern” Home Rule for Scotland. Just as he promised in 2014. Just as he promises every year. At last: a politician who has the courage to be consistent! What more can one ask.

That was 2022, that was. The year Liz Truss “hit the ground running” and did so spectacularly. And the year “permacrisis” entered the dictionary. I can’t wait for 2023.