JOHN Swinney isn’t a very demonstrative man. But he must be dancing in circles and singing hallelujah over the incredible implosion of his political rivals.

Labour are tanking in the polls just weeks after Anas Sarwar believed he would walk the next Holyrood election and two months after the party’s General Election landslide. What a difference a wet summer makes.

Even the boffins are baffled by the absence of a honeymoon for Keir Starmer’s new government, rated less popular than Rishi Sunak’s mob in a poll earlier this week.

Actually, Starmer has had a honeymoon – it started in 2020 when he succeeded Jeremy Corbyn on a left-wing ticket he has since completely dumped. As leader of the opposition, Starmer had next to no scrutiny or criticism – that honeymoon lasted four long uncritical years and prompted the media belief that Labour were bound to oust the hopeless Tories.

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Essentially, Starmer had his blissful period of minimum stress or scrutiny before he became PM.

I’m sure it felt good at the time.

The trouble is, you only get that period of warm, uncritical embrace once. In short, Keir, you’ll have had your honeymoon.

And there’s no point complaining, lest you further accentuate that aggrieved and faintly surprised look that’s become your trademark.

Voters think badly …. of me? Me?

It’s true that Free Gear’s crimes against decency pale into insignificance compared to Boris Johnson’s backhanders and crony contracts. But that doesn’t make it okay. Voters had priced in Conservative greed. Discovering the virus has jumped ship to Labour is like Nightmare On Elm Street 73. Stretching a dodgy franchise way too far.

But if Starmer has perfected the wounded Hush Puppy look, Scots Secretary Ian Murray is raging. All the time. Even though he won.

It’s puzzling.

Yes, we know Armageddon’s just around the corner because of that £22 billion Tory black hole. But folk expect their political leaders to look assured, relaxed, not like a growling ball of rage. Murray’s clash with journalists over his purported war chest of £150 million, is a case in point.

It seems the Edinburgh MP didn’t mention that specific sum. But his boss retweeted the claim and legislation will soon transform the Scotland Office into a spending department with a budget. If the kitty is around £150m, there will be much egg on the Murray visage and considerable mirth amongst snubbed journalists. Was annoying the fourth estate really worth that stampy-footy moment?

(Image: PA)

Maybe Murray’s defensive default comes from being Labour’s only Scottish MP for what felt like decades but was only the best part of nine years.

Judging from his website the MP for Edinburgh is still stuck in 2019 – his “about” page features his re-election that year with an increased majority, “but devastated to be the only Scottish Labour MP again, and heartbroken at the UK wide result”.

It’s an interesting if slightly dated read. Ian recounts: “I resigned from the Shadow Cabinet a few days after the EU Referendum” – presumably over Corbyn’s diffident Remain campaign – and pledges to “lift millions of children, families, and pensioners out of poverty” if elected as deputy to Starmer.

You can see why time kinda stopped for Ian after that – Angela Rayner won the deputy’s job big style. You might wonder if he’s planning to resign over the decision to plunge pensioners into fuel poverty. Probably not.

(Image: Peter Byrne/PA Wire)

You might also wonder why no-one’s noticed the Scottish Secretary’s website is lost in space.

I guess they’ve all been busy.

But if Labour can’t stop shooting itself in the foot, the Tories have certainly joined them.

Their UK conference ended yesterday with the heady possibility of Kemi Badenoch becoming leader. Just let that swirl around your heid.

The woman who’s declared herself a net zero sceptic, thinks maternity pay is too high (it’s ninth lowest in Europe) and 50,000 civil servants “should be in prison” says she’d “reprogramme” devolution if she became Prime Minister.

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NOW to be fair, the bold Ms B is ready to overhaul just about everything except the real howlers – Brexit, first-past-the-post voting and the House of Lords. But her placement of quangos beside devolution in the reprogramming list is revealing.

Quangos are unelected bodies outside the civil service which receive government cash. Devolved parliaments are democratically elected bodies which receive a proportion of the people’s own cash back from sticky-pawed Westminster. There is a big difference.

But obviously for Oor Kemi, not an important one.

Perhaps we should be very afraid she might win. Or very hopeful.

Prime Minister Badenoch.

Bring her on. In international credibility terms, she’d be right up there with The Lettuce.

(Image: Jacob King)

In Scottish terms, she’d propel undecided voters towards independence at breakneck speed. Still, we probably won’t be that lucky. Ultimately the choice could be between Robert Jenrick – still claiming the SAS are killing suspects for fear do-gooding lefty lawyers will get them off the hook – or the “compromise” candidate James Cleverly whose catchy slogan for Tories is, “be normal”.

It’s o’er late for that, son.

Even if Cleverly wins, he’s got to appease the right-wing zoomers and deal with Reform. A poll suggests most Tory Party members think they should merge. Maybe a new party called Conform?

It’s a prospect so daunting with such an underwhelming bunch of candidates that Guardian columnist Simon Jenkins has called on William Hague and David Cameron to toss their hats into the ring to liven things up. And in the midst of it all, Russell Findlay the new Scottish Tory leader told an empty room independence is dead. But strangely, he just can’t stop talking about it. Honestly, give him six months and he’ll be one of us.

Yet, it seems the Tories at Birmingham were feeling optimistic despite the election gubbing.

According to Esther Webber from Politico’s, former 1922 committee Chair Graham Brady, said “there’s no earthly reason” why the Tories can’t return to power in 2029. A former special adviser told her: “It’s so cathartic to see [Labour] trying to do government and realising that, it’s really, really hard.” Another added: “We’re like cockroaches – we always come back.”

READ MORE: Kemi Badenoch makes devolution threat in Tory conference speech

One can only imagine both these bullish Tories were totally pished.

Meanwhile, Starmer is trying to get back on the front foot, repaying £6000 of his controversial freebies including Taylor Swift tickets. Colour me cynical but that leaves me wondering why he isn’t repaying ALL the gifts?

After all, he accepted £76,000 worth of entertainment, clothes and similar freebies from UK donors in the last parliament, more than any other MP. I wonder if pensioners papping it over winter heating cost bills will see a man able to produce six big ones so easily and think – jings, he really is one of us?

Especially now that his personal finance coach Lord Alli is under investigation over “alleged non-registration of interests” leading to a possible breach of the members’ code of conduct. I could go on and on.

(Image: NQ)

And the SNP must be marvelling at their luck. But to return to that devastating poll which found Starmer’s new government is less popular than Sunak’s old one, there was another important finding.

The biggest proportion of those asked – 41% – couldn’t choose.

Judging from that, the 2029 General Election will be won by the truly scunnered – the folk who stay at home.

And the SNP could be headed there in 2026. It’s not enough to have political rivals implode.

It’s not enough to be the only party left standing. And with Operation Branchform hovering, that happy state may not last long.

The Scottish Government must claw back credibility and support to win the Scottish election and progress the case for independence.

Nae slacking. Though a few private titters are fine.