STRUGGLING to keep up with the Tory Party conference and leadership race?

We get it. It’s hard to know your European Court of Human Rights from your European Convention on Human Rights, your Tugendhats from your Tudgend ... bath mats?

You get the picture. There’s a lot going on and it all seems totally irrelevant. Well lucky for you, we’ve compiled this quick quiz to test whether you should care about the Tory leadership race 2024.

Are you a normal person?

A) Yes!

B) No!

Are you sure?

A) Yes, definitely!

B) OK, you got me …

If you answered B both times, please read on. Otherwise, you’re safe and you don’t need to care about the Tory leadership contest.

Next up, tell us a little bit more about your political views.

Roughly what share of civil servants should be in jail?

A) One in 10 are bad enough to be behind bars.

B) What have they done?!

Do you believe that Special Forces officers are murdering terrorists because woke international courts prevent us from bringing them to justice?

A) Yes and, furthermore, they should be killing more.

B) No, that sounds like scaremongering for votes.

Do you know what Bobby J is?

A) Give us Bobby J!

B) Isn’t this supposed to be a family-friendly newspaper?

Are mothers who have just given birth being paid too much during maternity leave?

A) Yes, they are feckless, a drain on society and if I had my way, I’d have them down the coal mines with their lazy kids, too!

B) No, Britain’s maternity pay is far from being “excessive”, it’s actually among the worst in the developed world.

Are you currently trying to down a pint in all 650 constituencies to promote your manifesto to save Britain’s pubs?

A) Chug! Chug! Chug!

B) No, I like my liver, I like absorbing nutrients and removing harmful substances from my blood with it.

Do you have any interest in what Liz Truss has to say?

A) No, actually.

B) Still no.

Do you have a Twitter (sorry, X) account in which you describe yourself as an “Anglo-futurist, Burkean YIMBY"?

A) Yes, my handle is @AynRandWasRight – follow me!

B) An Anglo-whatsit?

Are any of your children named after the late former prime minister Margaret Thatcher?

A) Their names came to me when I was regarding the portrait of her I keep in the study while the wife was in labour.

B) I was in George Square on April 8, 2013 …

Are you currently a member of the Conservative and Unionist Party?

A) Yes, and I work for CCHQ!

B) Aye, right!

If you answered mostly As: Yes, I’m sorry to inform you that you should care about the future leader of the Conservative Party. May God have mercy on your soul.

If you answered mostly Bs: You’re free! You, like most people in the UK and the vast majority round the world, don’t need to give a fig who becomes the next leader of the Conservative Party and you’re free to go on with your life in blissful peace and quiet.

There is of course a secret third option: If you’re a political journalist working in the UK today, then you did something in a past life and you too are damned to having to care about who the next leader of the Conservative Party will be.

And the chances are they’ll have another one of these before the next General Election, and you’ll have to care about that one, too.

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